I was sent a newly published paper today and for one it was a total joy to read from start to finish.
Usually I have to wade through mercury, MMR, epidemics etc. Today there was none of that. The paper is entitled:
A qualitative investigation of changes in the belief systems of families of children with autism or Down syndrome
An intriguing title and one that I admit I first thought was going to be heavy on religion and low on science. I was wrong.
The results of this paper were:
Parents can come to gain a sense of coherence and control through changes in their world views, values and priorities that involve different ways of thinking about their child, their parenting role, and the role of the family. Although parents may grapple with lost dreams, over time positive adaptations can occur in the form of changed world
views concerning life and disability, and an appreciation of the positive contributions made by children to family members and society as a whole. Parents’ experiences indicate the importance of hope and of seeing possibilities that lie ahead.
How absolutely refreshing not have to wade through the _Strum und Drang_ of ‘the hell/abyss/nightmare’ of autism and how all its ‘victims’ are destined for a life of institutionalisation, abuse and neglect.
Over time, parents may experience changes in ways of seeing their child, themselves and the world. These new perspectives may encompass profound rewards, enrichments, and the appreciation of the positive contributions made by people with disabilities
and
A wide range of positive changes or transformational outcomes have been reported by parents of children with disabilities, including: the development of personal qualities such as patience, love, compassion and tolerance (Summers et al 1989; Behr & Murphy 1993; Scorgie & Sobsey 2000; Kausar et al. 2003); improved relationships with family members and others (Stainton & Besser 1998; Scorgie & Sobsey 2000; Kausar et al 2003); stronger spiritual or religious beliefs (Yatchmenoffet al. 1998; Scorgie & Sobsey 2000; Poston & Turnbull 2004); an ability to focus on the present (Featherstone 1980); and a greater appreciation of the small and simple things in life (Abbott & Meredith 1986; Kausaret al. 2003). Studies therefore indicate that, with time and experience, parents of children with disabilities may come to regain a sense of control over their circumstances and a sense of meaning in life by seeing the positive contributions of their children with respect to personal growth and learning whatis important.
There is so much truth to this. My marriage and relationships with my kids has grown stronger and stronger. We have learned how to work for and support each other in so many ways and we place precious value on the here and now. We don’t get the twice yearly holidays, constant cinema trips etc that a lot of my peers enjoy but what we do is spend lots and lots of time with each other. This would never have happened if our daughter wasn’t autistic.
Initial reactions to parenting a child with a disability
I remember when I first got the diagnosis, my preoccupation – to be perfectly honest with you – was about me. It wasn’t about my son. It was about what I was feeling. And I was feeling powerfully upset about this diagnosis because . . . it just completely turns your life upside down. I had plans. I wanted my children to be happy but I wanted them to be accomplished. . . . So both of us – my husband and I – had this vision of our children as being academically keen. . . . So to be confronted with the possibility that my son would not even have imagination, I just didn’t know what to do. I was devastated. and I couldn’t fix it.
Again, this is a very accurate reflection of how I felt at the time. One turns inward and searches for reasons, for blame and for a way to _fix_ things. I have to smile as I look back at those days now but they were pretty awful. Particularly for our daughter who we subjected to _our_ guilt.
Family Strengths
This is a quote from a service provider:
I find that the majority of families that I know who have kids with special needs are some of the strongest families that I’ve ever encountered. . . . I remember someone making a comment once about ‘You must see a lot of dysfunctional families.’ I said ‘It’s the exact opposite, they are some of the healthiest and strongest families that I’ve known.’
And I think that _can_ be true as well. Not always. I’m aware of a lot of families who have not managed to move past the ‘me’ stage and I hear about divorces and arguments and screaming matches and custody battles.
Neurodiversity, Acceptance and Cure
No, the word ‘neurodiversity’ is never used in this paper but it may as well be – its _exactly_ what some of these parents are talking about.
Our children have taught us the true worth of an individual. Our society tends to value persons based on performance, knowledge, education, the ability to earn income. And these children have taught us that there are so many more inherently important values, which have shaped us as a family.
One of the most powerful quotes from a parent was this one:
Another thing that makes me feel that I am so much smarter than I used to be is that I have given up trying to fix my son. . . . All I have to do is figure out . . . what he wants and what will make him happy, and try to put a structure around it. . . . He’s fine the way he is, and it was for me to figure that out and, gee, the poor guy while I was figuring that out.
Fine the way he is. Are there people out there who can _hear that_ ?
And it’s true that if you don’t change the way you think about this child, if you always think that you wanted to have a normal child and you are always comparing your child to a normal child, you’ll never really be accepting and you just don’t get anywhere.
It really is as if these researchers had interviewed me for this study (obviously they hadn’t – its Canadian) as these are thoughts and opinions that I share. It says to me that far from being an isolated phenomenon, the ideas that underpin what I think of as neurodiversity are much more pervasive and widespread than a lot of people imagine.
I’ll close by saying how much I enjoyed reading this paper. It moved me to tears and it made me grin from ear to ear. The authors conclude:
The findings may provide families with a sense of realistic hope for the future, and may validate their perspectives by showing that they are not alone in their experiences and challenges. It may be beneficial for families to know that family life changes, and that other parents report changes in ways of thinking about their child and their parenting role that provide a sense of control and meaning in life. Parents may find it useful to know that it is common to feel a lack of control, and disappointment and sadness due to lost dreams. Over time, many families gain new dreams, develop new understandings of their child and of the world, manage life effectively by adjusting their priorities, and report life-changing benefits for themselves, other family members, and members of the broader community.
Hasten the day :o)
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