Comments on: Autism And Divorce

By: T@SendChocolate

T@SendChocolate — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 09:39:18 +0000

I have heard the 80% bandied around, too. Based upon that number…

My husband (who has mild Aspergers) and I like to joke that we are “statistically not married.” We have 3 children, and all three are on the Spectrum in varying degrees. They are all high-functioning, but I homeschool because the school district cannot meet my childrens’ needs. Certainly, life with HFA/Aspergers can be stressful.

I am going on 20 years of marriage, and we are happy. The rest of the joke is since we are “statistically not married” that explains why it’s good in the bedroom department. See, we are still just dating and the excitement never left.

That’s our story, we’re stickin’ to it.

By: Calli Arcale

Calli Arcale — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 17:53:55 +0000

Whoops—hit “submit” too quickly. The divroce had nothing to do with the children. Indeed, arguably the marriage stayed together as long as it did only because of the children and a sense of responsibility to them.

By: Calli Arcale

Calli Arcale — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 17:53:02 +0000

What a horrible thing that they told your friend, Jen. “I’m so sorry you’ve lost a child; now face the near-certainty that you’ll lose your spouse too.” And with absolutely no evidence to back it up! That sort of thing really cheeses me off, especially since there is the very real risk of a self-fulfilling prophecy. During stressful times, there is more risk of a relationship falling apart, especially if there are already problems. But there is also more chance of it becoming stronger, because with more stress, there are fewer opportunities to hide from the problems and they can actually get dealt with. Sometimes a crisis can get a couple talking—really talking—for the first time in their lives, and the shared strife can give them common ground. When it involves a kid, it can also give them a powerful motivation to settle their differences. But if you tell them that 90% of marriages in that situation end in divorce, aren’t you suggesting that it’s not really worth the effort? Very sad.

I know people whose kids are autistic, whose kids have had cancer, and who have even lost kids. Of all of those, I know only one couple who got divorced, and it had nothing whatsoever to do with the children’s various learning disorders.

By: Joe

Joe — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 17:57:07 +0000

Their data is flawed. Yes, I’m autistic and so is my son. Yes, I’m divorced from his mother. But I bet they would include me in the stats even though we divorced in 2002 and both my son and I were diagnosed in 2006. And the divorce had nothing to do with any autism related issues.

By: Jen

Jen — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 11:00:51 +0000

I’ve always taken the 80% figure with a grain of salt (yes, I did get divorced, and no, it had little to nothing to do with autism), only because when we had our triplets, we were also told that there was an 80% divorce rate among higher-order multiple birth families. Later, when my daughter was in the hospital due to cancer (she’s fine now), one of the hospital social workers told us that there was a 75-80% chance of divorce among families dealing with pediatric cancer, and then much later, when one of my friend’s children passed away, she was told that there was a 90% chance of divorce after the death of a child. I’ve always found it kind of odd that the same number pops up no matter what you’re dealing with.

By: Bunny

Bunny — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 22:56:14 +0000

It’s correct to point out that everybody’s situation is different. For example, schools have failed Lisa’s son, while school has done wonders for my son. Our public school is one of the things that actually reduces the stress in our lives. This, however, is subject to change! Who knows how the teacher next year will handle things, or if the principal will leave and be replaced by an unsympathetic someone. But these same issues haunt the parents of typical kids.

By: Kathleen Seidel

Kathleen Seidel — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 21:47:42 +0000

Lisa & Bunny, you’ve both got me thinking about Tolstoy’s observation that “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

By: Do'C

Do'C — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 16:56:00 +0000

@Lisa

Autism Speaks’s version of “autism” seems purposefully confusing to me.

Autism is a complex neurobiological disorder that typically lasts throughout a person’s lifetime. It is part of a group of disorders known as autism spectrum disorders (ASD). Today, 1 in 150 individuals is diagnosed with autism, making it more common than pediatric cancer, diabetes, and AIDS combined.

Source

First it’s stated that “autism” is a subset of the ASDs, then in the same paragraph, claimed that diagnosis prevalence for “autism” of 1 in 150 (the ratio applicable to ALL ASDs). The actual ratio for “autism” as Autism Speaks has defined it, is about 1 in 464 (Fombonne, 2006 – which found a ratio of 1 in 154 for ALL ASDs).

It’s difficult to see reliability in information from Autism Speaks, and the mythical divorce rate (if they’ve played a role) is no exception. There’s just no science to support such pity-driven, fear-inducing, autistic-devaluing nonsense.

By: K

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 15:57:21 +0000

I know parents of autistic children only through my son’s school. There are 9 children in his classroom and I’ve met all the parents through various functions at the school (autism school). Marriage rate of the children?: 100%. I’ve never actually met a divorced parent of an autistic child. I know they exist, because I’ve read about them over at AoA, but the run of the mill, average “Joe” set of parents I meet in everyday life are all still married.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 15:23:15 +0000

Bunny – I’m not suggesting that Tom’s autism involves no issues; if it didn’t, he’d just go to public school and there’d be no need to homeschool.

But I do find that, at least for us, it’s possible to teach an awful lot of the skills of life (everything from making breakfast to washing sheets to practicing clarinet).

Tom really has no friends, though we’re working on social skills… but that’s not a particular source of stress on a day to day basis.

He’s way behind in math, has somewhat delayed speech and an idiosyncractic voice. He moves awkwardly, and his physical skills are delayed. His math is way behind. But again, none of that causes his parents stress in the usual sense of high anxiety or sleeplessness.

So while there is stress, and a portion of that stress comes from the autism, it’s not Tom, the kid, who’s causing the stress. And the more that we go to a DIY style of education for our son, the less the wide world can impose stress upon us (through bullying, red tape, outrageous costs, etc.).

Lisa