Adopting The Correct Phone Manner

One of the things that is never taught to young web designers (whom I like to amusingly refer to as ‘weberoonies’) is how to adopt the correct phone manner when talking to clients, suppliers, other agencies. A correct phone manner is vital to ensure good communication and to ensure that the rest of the team/your family know how difficult your job is.

1 – You Make Me Weak

A classic phone manner. This entails resting your right elbow on the desk whilst you support your forehead in your hand – your face is effecively downcast. Hold the phone tight to your ear with your left hand.

What you’re saying here is “I can’t believe this – I’m a designer and you’re not. Shut up, you’re making me weak.”

Try and inject as much rejection and despondancy into the slump of your shoulders as possible. Typical conversations that make best use of this phone manner are ones where the client is explaining why s/he hates your concept design.

2 – Man Of Action

A phone manner borrowed from the passive/aggressive Reagan/Thatcher stock market phone manners of the late 80’s, this one invlolves balancing the phone in the crook of your shoulder whilst you place your tented fingers on the desk in front of the keyboard and peer intently at the screen. The twist is you remain standing! This gives you the air of a ‘man-on-the-move’. This manner is particularly beloved of middle managers (Studio Heads and their ilk).

This stance says “Don’t hold me down! I’m a busy and important guy – look at me!”.

3 – The Four Fourty-Five

Leaning back in your mock leather chair (its better than the shit the office minions have, right?), a cup of [insert beverage of choice here] in your right hand and your phone holding arms elbow cocked rakishly in the air whilst your grin at the ceiling, this phone manner clearly indicates that you’re in the comfort zone – maybe you’re having the final chat with a client after a successful project launch, maybe you’re ordering more RAM or a bigger FST monitor or maybe its 4.45 and you’re off home in an hour. Whatever the occassion, this phone manner says “I don’t give a shit.”

Good for you – in 15 mins time you’re going to have conversation number one regarding your new project.

4 – Nervous Worry

A variation on phone manner one. The stance is almost identical except you need to ensure (this is key!) that the whole of your back is turned to the rest of the office – that way everyone can safely pretend they didn’t hear you after you’ve finished. You should also bring both arms tight to your body. As the nervousness increases you should correspondingly increase the tightness of the arm to body ratio. Think foetal.

This phone manner is reserved for those times when you have fucked up. You know that time you decided to ignore a clients typeface and use a ‘better’ one? Remember the conversation you had with the client after you showed him? You did this then.

5 – The Errant Bullshitter

Stand and look off through the window whilst chatting. With your free hand (or Illustrator (injokes rock, right?)) you should stroke or lightly tousle your hair. These are aids to inspiration and get the bullshit flowing more freely. Practice looking sincere in a mirror and if you often end up bullshitting people then remember to put some kind of hair product in your bag.