One of the frustrating things that often strikes me about the direction blogging has taken me in is the fact that the vast majority of the people I consider friends I have never actually spoken to, or met and who I actually live in a different continent from.
Of course I often receive pictures, podcasts or video of events that my online friends have participated in. Camille, Kassiane, Sue Senator, Estee, Amanda, Kathleen, Kristina and more. But this isn’t the same.
However, earlier this year, my family was blessed with a visit from two people who I both very much wanted to meet and yet at the same time was pained at the ultimate reason we finally met.
I first blogged about Katie not long after she was killed. It was then, and still remains, the hardest post I have ever written. Autistic children have been murdered before and since Katie died and I wrote about them too but although they horrified and saddened me, Katie’s death remains most memorable to me. Possibly because I have two little girls who bracket Katie’s age and the thought of them dying fills me with a terror that I cannot describe.
Katie’s grandad read that post and the video of Meg on her trampoline that accompanied it. The posting of that was intended to be our family’s tribute to Katie’s life. A little girl having fun.
But something happened I did not expect. Katie’s paternal grandad, Mike, read that post and saw that video and we started to communicate. Not about the trial but about our shared experiences with autistic little girls. I also swapped emails with Katie’s paternal uncle.
Over the course of the last year, Mike and I have developed a warm friendship and have swapped addresses, pictures of the family, birthday cards for family members. We talk often about Katie and the wonderful life her Dad and her paternal Grandma gave her. Our ability to converse across internal boundaries take a step up when we started to use Skype to actually talk directly. And believe me, if you think the world has exhausted its sense of wonder then you should experience listening to mid-afternoon bird song in the background of a conversation you are having with someone over 4000 miles away whilst the darkness of evening descends at your house.
I have also talked with Katie’s dad, grandma and uncle and listened to the sounds of Katie’s younger sister playing happily.
These people are family now. There’s no other way to think of them.
Earlier this year, Mike told me that he and Paul were coming over to the UK to visit. Brilliant news. I was so looking forward to meeting them finally.
We had a fantastic time. Not that we did very much, we just hung out, talked and played with the girls. I’ll admit that I had been nervous – how could we all be expected to get on when we’d never really met? – and yet those worries were banished. Within 10 minutes we were all chatting and laughing away with each other as though we’d known each other all our lives. Tabitha was absolutely smitten with Paul and followed him around begging to be picked up most of the day, which Paul – a natural gentleman in every sense of the word – was happy to do. Mike got some grandpa kisses from Meg which I believe made his day. Meg is naturally reticent around new people but she knew Mike and Paul were good people immediately.
And there was sadness too. Nobody could forget why we were all together that day and I feel I speak for all of us when I say that if I could make a promise never to have met Mike that Katie could be returned to them, that promise would be made in a heartbeat. Mike and Paul brought over some of the ribbon Kassiane had selected for Katie and which Paul and Mike wore with honour every time they went to court to battle for Katie. That was a humbling experience for me.
Mike and Paul stayed long after the girls had gone to bed. Naomi and I treasured every minute we had with them. They are Megan and Tabitha’s uncle and grandpa in every sense that matters. Gail and Em are their grandma and cousin in every sense that matters.
Terrible, awful things happen to the best people. What was done to Katie has not yet even been tried in court. I want to make sure that people remember that Katie lived. This little girl I’ve never met and heart breakingly, never will. Whilst the vaccine trial goes on, remember that this is going on too. Although, that day, we never talked about the trial it was in their eyes and gestures. How could it not be? For the two families that have come together into one, I wish there was some way – any other way – we could’ve become as close as we are now.
At the end of this month, the motions that are being heard now – those motions to suppress the confessions of Katie’s murderer – will be concluded. We must hope that justice prevails. Katie, my niece I never met, deserves no less.
Left Brain Right Brain 
This is what it’s really all about, Kev—-all the hope and community gained, and the sense that together we can foster real change.
Thanks for all you’ve done, and keep on doing, and for your spirit and unflagging sense of justice: My high school’s motto was mens conscia recti, “a mind aware of what’s right” (it is from Virgil’s Aeneid) and this is present in all your work here.
Kevin, I had to de-lurk long enough to thank you for sharing your beautiful experience with an amazing family. My son was diagnosed long after Katie’s death so I had not even been aware of the horriffic story. I am humbled and heartened at the enduring grace and strength —and unfailing love— I sense in all of Mike McCarron’s words and actions about his granddaughter. Would that every child upon this earth were so well loved.
Kevin,
Thanks for sharing this story with us. I hope Katie’s mother gets the justice she deserves. Through Katie’s family, we learned she was a vibrant and happy little girl…what a shame her mother could not look past the diagnosis of Autism and looked at her life with such despair.
Please send my best to Katie’s family…we will never let anyone forget her legacy.
Jeanette
OOPS…
Shame on me…
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY !!!!!
Hi Kev; Happy Father’s Day!
I am glad you posted about our visits, they were wonderful and we enjoyed them. You and Naomi are simply the best. I don’t recall visiting anyone who could make me feel more at home. After all of our communication to actually meet the family on the other side of the pond was just outstanding.
I must admit that we were both a little nervous about the first meeting. Most people are concerned with first impressions, but when you have be communicating over the net the first impressions have already been made. The first meeting is a test of how forthright those communications have been. I can only say that you are exactly as you appear on your “blogâ€; and that is a good thing.
The road has been hard but I have met some wonderful people in my journey. Last year I was fortunate enough to attend a conference in New York at Fordham; I was able to meet Kristina and Jim, Kassiane, Susan, Phil, Shawn and many, many others. This year our trip to England and meeting you, Naomi and the girls was just the best of times. Your family is far more than a group of good friends to me, you are family.
Perhaps at sometime it may be worthwhile discussing some of the exchanges that lead to our meeting; it certainly is an example of the power of the internet and the sense of community that can be established.
I hope those involved with the trial value Katie’s life as much as you and her father’s family do, and as much as we do. The worst outcome would be if anyone else decided Katie’s life was worth less than their own.
Mike (and everyone) thanks for your comments. I’ve heard people say that blogging can be like making a life too transparent and I try to be careful about specifics and personal things. The details belong to us but I think its important to know – for the community Kristina talks about – to know that _real_ connections are being made every day. That this world is more than just a series of connected computers and that real people are coming together and finding each other and that the warmth of human contact has not diminished.
Kev – regarding your last statement.
I couldn’t agree more.
Since my wife and I are not really “joiners”, we were very much on our own after receiving our son’s Dx. All we had to go on was his overt behaviors and a pamphlet from Children’s Hospital including a statement that read something like “Some children with autism can even grow to live in an assisted care facility, though many will live their lives in an institutional care facility.” Wow.
So one day I typed in “Autism Blog” to Google, and clicked the first site that came up. I think the post that day was about David Ayoub or something – this was a while back. And from that point on, my eyes were opened. Not just about quackery, which I had already rejected anyway. But really about the fact that like-minded people – a LOT of them – were out there and had formed a community.
I have spoken directly with some of the people I have met around these parts online, I have regular email correspondence with others.
I owe a lot to the individuals I have met and learned from, and cannot place enough value on the exchange of thoughts and ideas that happen within this community.
If it weren’t for the online autistic community or something similar, I probably wouldn’t be alive by now. That’s not a dramatic overstatement of the facts or anything. I know the possible trajectories for my life at that point and I know that very few of them would be possible for me to survive.
Thank you, Kev for reminding us all about the value of community.
Exactly, Estee – community.
A certain fool (JBJ) is claiming that Kev is trying to gain points by “falsely” claiming Katie as a neice. Shows how much he knows about COMMUNITY!
(Sorry, Kev, but I needed to say that here)
According to my count Kevin has four nieces, three are in the US and one is in Heaven. I have two more grand-daughters that live in Great Britain. That part is pretty simple.
The real mystery is what on earth did two guys like Kevin and I ever do to merit being surrounded by so many sweet little children? They are all just wonderful!
Phil – thanks but I’m genuinely not interested in John or any of his posts. Let him stew in his own juices.
Absolutely true, David. That was pretty much what I meant about “community”. Yes, I know Kev doesn’t let Best bother him at all – which makes him a stronger man than me because I’m not quite so resilient when it comes to that idiot. For example in his latest post he drums the dribble into my so called lack of intelligence!
I sometimes miss metaphors – you know, the old “literal” interpretation that dogs us Aspies! I’m pretty good at creating them mind you – such a paradox if you look at it from face value! The fact that Best doesn’t see them either is further proof in my book that he is a closet ASD person.
Kev, and Mike,
I’m so glad to hear you two got to meet in person and shared some of it with us.
I’ve been away from the blogosphere for weeks, and upon my return saw all the ‘stuff’ that went down in early June about the Hub. It’s kind of stuff that keeps me away.
But tonight I found this thread and I know why I keep coming back from my breaks.
When I met Mike at Fordham last fall, he shared with me how much the connections with Kev and others, which came at an unexpected time and from unexpected places, meant to him. I was deeply touched, and still am.
I feel the need to write more, but I’ll take that back to my own blog in the next week or two.
Nice to have you back Shawn ;o)