Recently, I had a conversation on another blog with an autistic single mother who was concerned about meeting the needs of her more social child. She wrote that there was a whole lot of social stuff she didn’t connect with, or even notice, and that having to hand her child off to other people who could do a better job of teaching the child about social expectations bothered her.
I replied that children always differ from their parents in some ways, that being able to recognize and accommodate her child’s differences meant she was a responsible parent, and that the arrangements she made for her child’s social activities were similar to a parent with no interest in sports handing off an athletic child to a coach for regular practices and games.
Another parent pointed out that raising an autistic child, when there are no other family members who are autistic, also requires a significant amount of interaction with professionals and others who may have a better understanding of the child’s needs.
She wrote that, while she appreciated the encouragement, she thought that her lack of conventional social behavior might be detrimental because her child would model her ways of interacting, without being aware that society did not accept such ways. In this regard, she felt that her situation was unlike that of a non-autistic parent raising an autistic child. Also, it was unlike that of a married autistic parent because, she wrote, the non-autistic parent could mitigate any detriment from the autistic parent’s social differences.
I had to agree that there was a significant cultural issue here. When parents raise their children in a minority culture—whether we’re talking about autistic families or any other culturally distinct group—the children are likely to have a harder time learning the ways of the majority. However, the existence of minority groups contributes to the richness of the mainstream culture. Different perspectives, behaviors, and cultural expectations are vital to the healthy functioning of a modern democracy.
This was a hard burden to place on a child, she commented.
Yes, and it always has been hard, I thought, for all the minority groups over the years that have had to decide how much of their culture they should sacrifice for the sake of fitting in.
Left Brain Right Brain 
All parents try their best, its all they can do, and how many of them get it right?!!
And what a fab mum she is if nshe is trying to address what she thinks is a problem. I wish her well.
Oh, yes _that_ particular poster. Autistic, really? Hmmm. Wants to rid the world of auties because of the tax burden? Wow.
schizoidsareus, although not all of her language was as politically correct as the part of the conversation that I’ve posted here, I don’t think she was arguing to rid the world of anyone.
My impression was that she just wanted to discuss whether there might be any basis to the curebies’ claim that there was a rapidly increasing number of autistic children in need of costly and extensive services. She didn’t actually argue that it was true. I posted a link to a Fombonne paper, which I’m assuming satisfied her on that point as she didn’t write anything more about it.
I half paid attention to that conversation and after awhile I got the impression that she had an unnecessarily dim view of autism. Raising kids is hard period. If you think yourself a complete screw up it won’t be any easier. For her sake and for the sake of others like her we should encourage a little more autism pride.
As for how much the minority group has to sacrifice in order to fit in with the majority group, sometimes what the minority group has is what the majority group needs.
Unless she keeps her child in a protective bubble that only she can interact with, then her child is going to meet a wide variety of people and ultimately settle into her own way of interacting with them.
I grew up as Asian American at a time when assimilation was encouraged; I was always knew I was different. (Both of my parends are second-generation Chinese.) It’s mostly in retrospect that my parents have commented on their frustration about not knowing how to address this or that situation because of a lack of cultural knowledge—-I proceeded to find things out on my own.
I found that thread very educational, thank you.
I raised an NT kid, it’s hard to say how much influence I had on the kid. Autistic kids learn how to act NT (to some extent) from watching TV, surely an NT kid picks up stuff that way, too, and as someone else pointed out the majority of people the child will meet are not autistic. Hearing children of two deaf parents do learn to speak normally, from what I understand. Some hearing parents try to introduce their child to Deaf culture and go with sign language and don’t go for cochlear implants, I assume.
How different is this situation from a single mom raising a boy? or a single dad raising a girl? There’s no way for a single mom to teach a boy some boy things in the same way a dad would, but there are a gajillion single moms out there raising boys and the boys don’t seem to be too damaged merely by the fact of not having a dad around all the time. Maybe it’s ideal for an NT kid to have at least one NT parent, but I don’t think it’s that important in the long run. Neither do I think its critical for an ASD kid to have one or more ASD or BAP parents. Though wonderful things can happen if an ASD kid has ASD role models. Not all autistic people would be the best role models for all kids, either, or they adult could be a great role model or teacher for some kids and not for others.
Okay, nobody else will say it so here goes.
The biggest problem she faces is not NT/ASD disparity. The big problem is being a single mom. That is one tough row to hoe.
This child not only needs NT influence but, a male role model too. I hope someone close can step up and try to take care of some of those things for this child.
I’m hoping she can see that these times of interaction between her child and his trustees, can be a wonderful respite. ASD or not, single parenting is tough.
My mother was a single parent. Let’s say that her professional status was not in the Fortune 500 although she worked very hard. She was also not a US native and her first language was not english, so I guess that would put me and my brother in the 2nd generation, multicultural status.
Throw bipolar syndrome on top of that.
50 years hence, do I have some wishes that some things would have been more typical? Sure, some, especially at the time.
Do I have any major regrets or resentments?
Not a minute, since I was 30. It was an interesting ride. Both my brother an I seem to have survived the experience.
I agree, Big White Hat, I think it’s really important for boys to have one or more good male role models/influence, or more to the point, to have some family member or really good family friend provide some of the love that the father would have given (that is if the father is entirely gone sometimes he has joint custody, etc.).
The reverse is true, it just doesn’t happen very often where a girl would be raised by a man with no woman around at all showing an affectionate interest in the girl.
Re: “Single Parent” — I recall that said poster is a single parent by choice due to dumping the erstwhile partner because of said partner allegedly having some kind of “mental illness”.
Re: Taxes — “… group of people who, on balance money-wise, take.” Those “takers” according to said poster being ASD.
Re: The posters’s alleged autism dx — “As someone with formally-undiagnosed Asperger’s — though in writing that I’m dubious of the condition’s existence — anyway.”
I agree with Casdok. Three cheers for the single mum who is so dedicated and trying so hard to do the best for her child!