Left Brain Right Brain

Its always the same. I volunteer to do something because its a worthy cause or I really like the thing in question – or both – and then I put it off and put it off and end up scrabbling about at the last minute to sort it out.

So, when I volunteered to host this Skeptics Circle three months in advance I knew that this time I wouldn’t need to put it off again and again as this time I had plenty of time to get organised.

Unfortunately, the bit of my brain that reassures me there’s plenty of time is broken and thats why with less than 30 minutes to go I’m scrabbling about getting the bloody thing organised. Getting a spectacular venue at such short notice is tricky. I do have a few contacts though. Which was good. Skeptics’ would be arriving in about 20minutes time demanding in their evidenced-based ways to be plushly seated and fed.

“Hi, Colnel Jack O’Neil please….look I know it exists….oh for…look, just tell him that Kev rang…yeah, I want to use the conference room for a meeting. What? Promoted? Well…OK…is Daniel Jackson there? Smart arse…not as funny as he thinks. No? Shit. OK…what? Teal’c? Big guy, funny looking. Big on hats. Oh forget it.”

Next try.

“Satan? No? Whoops, sorry Gabriel…wrong fast dial number…hahahaha!”

Try again. Press right key this time.

“Lord of Darkness? Heeeeyyy…how’s it going big guy? Yeah, aside from hot…..oh really? Well if it says a thousand years and you signed it I don’t see how you can moan about it feller. Hey, I’m just saying! Look, shut up a minute – you know that favour you owe me?…..Yes you bloody do!….no *you* look – if it wasn’t for me that Bryan Adams record would still be No.1….look, look, stop it….all I want is the big conference room….what? No the one on the Ninth Circle…..whaddya mean ‘booked’? By who? Oh yeah? Well, you tell Tom Cruise from me that….that….hello? Hello? Bugger!”

This was getting slightly annoying.

“Hey Doc! It’s Kev….Leitch. Kev leitch. Kevin Leitch. I was your assistant just before Billy Pip…uh, I mean Rose. Well, thanks! Nice to know I made an impression! How come you don’t remember me? I was the guy who broke the uppy-downy thing in the Tardis engine room. Yeah…ever get it fixed? Well, thats good…uh…listen, I know I kind of wrecked your only viable mode of transport but I was hoping for a favour…? Just one room for a few hours for me and a few pals….what? No no no, nothing like that….well maybe some beer….whaddya mean ‘how big’? It’s a bloody Tardis! Small outside, massive inside…..look, just for an hour and no beer…well thanks for nothing! I always preferred The Master anyway!”

Dammit.

“Hi…Is that The Others? It is? Cool. Can you just kill Charlie? Yeah, the guy from the Lord of the Rings. Yeah, thats it. Bye”

OK, so I get a little sidetracked sometimes. Back to it…and there was only one thing for it…

“Gabriel? Gabe! Hi! yeah, sorry about before….yeah I spoke to him….he’s fine – well, hot – y’know how it is…..no, no, I guess you don’t…erm…listen I need a favour. No from you, not the big guy. No, no, I’ve got nothing against him….yeah, the beard’s a bit much…look, look, listen – I need a conference room. No, no catering Gabe. I haven’t got the touch the big guy has – two loaves and a couple of fish don’t go very bloody far for me. I dunno….Burger King maybe. Oh for…yes, yes, there’s only one King…Jes- I mean, Chri- I mean for goodness sake, he’s really touchy for an all powerful being isn’t he? Ok, no bloody Burger King….I can? Nice one Gabe! Just a couple of hours. Eh?….for the Skeptics Circle…..hello? Hello? Gabe!? Damnation!”

Re-dial.

“Gabe? Don’t put the phone down! Whats wrong with the septic circle? Hmmm? No, no, *septic* circle. What? ‘Skeptic’? Ha! No way – those guys are losers. No, this is the Septic Circle. We discuss, uh, Septic tanks and the latest news regarding all things, er, septic…wounds…umm. Treatment? Oh, umm, laying on of hands mostly…..No – wait! Prayer, I mean! So – can I have the big conference room? Cheers Gabe you always were my favourite!”

Bloody hell. A skeptics circle in heaven. For a minute I thought the paradox might make my head implode or some such thing but then I remembered to just believe in the power of dreams or whatever and everything was fine.

Next problem – how do you get yourself and several skeptical people into Heaven?

Luckily, we have Google these days so I searched for it.

According to this guy what you needed was:

If you ask most people this question, they will say something like, “If you do more good things than bad things, God will probably let you into heaven.” The above thinking will reserve your place in hell. You need FAITH IN THE BLOOD OF JESUS.

Hell was no good – Tom Cruise had booked the only conference room big enough, the short-arse git. So all I needed was to persuade a bunch of Skeptics to have faith in the blood of Jesus. Should be pretty straightforward.

This was getting silly.

Then I remembered that ‘clapping’ song:

Three, six, nine, The goose drank wine, The monkey chewed tobacco on the street car line. The line broke, the monkey got choked And they all went to heaven in a little row boat.

Frankly, I was dubious. What the hell is a ‘street car line’? And ‘choking a monkey’ sounded suspiciously like something my Grandmother told me would make me go blind. I thought it best to stick to the blood of Jesus thing. A _little_ row boat would never hold *all* the skeptics anyway.

Decision made, I was calm and sanguine when the doorbell rang. I could see the shape of a phalanx of Skeptics through the net curtains and hear the sardonic patter of sarcasm as it echoed down the cul-de-sac I lived in. Game on.

“Welcome all,” I gushed, “come in, take a seat, just a few short words from me and we’ll be off to our scheduled meeting point.”

The phalanx trooped in – I spotted a few familiar faces (Diva, Skeptico, DoC and the sharpshooter eyes of Orac met mine for a minute) and a few people I didn’t know who offered a polite introduction as they came in…Dr Charles, Runolfr, Paul….skeptics’ so hardened and long serving that a permanent air of critical irony came off them like a deeply sarcastic mist.

“OK, everyone in? Good. So, a bit of a change of pace this time….I’ve arranged for us to meet in Heaven.”

Silence. And then Orac asked: “You want us to hold a Skeptics’ Circle in a place that – lets be honest – doesn’t exactly lend itself to critical thinking.”

I nodded. “And to get there, according to some guy on a website, all we need to do is all believe in the blood of Jesus.”

“Seriously?” Said a Skeptic near the back.

I nodded again. “Easy, right?”

Someone laughed nervously (and yet logically). Orac closed his eyes and rubbed his brow. “OK, what do we need to do?”

With a confidence I really didn’t feel, I explained that if each of us expressed our carefully examined and well researched opinion that there was such a thing as the blood of Jesus then we would all be instantly transported to the opulence of the conference room in Heaven I booked with Gabriel awhile before.

“Seriously?” Said all the Skeptics.

“Well, yeah….”

Orac muttered a fairly appalling word and then said, “Right, OK, lets give it a go.” He cleared his throat nervously. “All together…..”

It was one of the greatest moments of my life. Persuading a bunch of Skeptics’ to affirm their belief in the blood of Jesus in order to attend a conference in Heaven. Admittedly, they didn’t look very happy about it, but it worked. Skeptics’ in Heaven. Marvellous.

Once the assembled Skeptics’ had recovered from the shock of being in a place they didn’t believe existed (I explained that Chaos Theory would probably throw up a new type of science at some unspecified point in time called Paradox Theory in which events like this would be commonplace) we settled down to business.

Dr Charles stood up (after he’d finished poking the table with unbelieving pencil prods to establish it was really there) and told the assembled Skeptics’ about the evils of chain letters and how one chain letter in particular had affected his practice in terms of some of his patients feeling the chain letter in question was an excellent diagnostic tool for ovarian cancer. We were off to a good start.

Next, Lord Runolfr told the assembled ranks of Skeptics about how Reiki was not actually ‘spiritually guided life force energy’ at all – an announcement that caused a rumble of appreciation to echo around the room. As an encore, Lord Runolfr explained to everyone just how bad science was abused in Hollywood.

The brilliance of a thousand tiara’s announced the proclamations of Autism Diva. She explained to the assembled ranks that for some institutions, ‘distinguished’ seemed to be a relative term, including people who think Gaia is suffering and that’s why we have autism, or that autism is actually demonic possession.

“I actaully wouldn’t use the word ‘demon’ around here if I were you”, I muttered to Diva as she sat down but she simply threw a spare tiara at me.

Dad of Cameron rose and told the assembled skeptics that despite the assembled scientific might of RFK Jr, jouranlist David Kirby and various other liggers – the mercury-in-vaccines-causes-autism hypothesis was still dead as the rate of autism was still rising even after a few years of mercury-free vaccines.

As DoC sat back down, I remembered who was next up. I rose quickly.

“Um, next up is…uh….Hell’s Handmaiden….” I said, ducking in anticipation of a thunderbolt from our host…..nothing….cool.

The Maiden stood and expounded thoroughly on the formula used by the more credulous examples of creationists to be found littering the web. Was it me or was the sky of Heaven darkening outside?….oh dear….how embarrassing it would be if a bunch of creationist-rejecting skeptics were smitten by a thunderbolt from God.

Luckily, Dr David decided to inject a bit of class into proceedings and started to recite a bit of poetry called I.D. On the Stand. Hmmm….maybe Heaven really hadn’t been the best venue for a Skeptics Circle after all….I shifted uncomfortably as Dr David recited:

…Creationism in the schools had died a legal death…And now as Rothschild rose, Gishville IDers held their breath.

I struggled to recall exactly what God had done to non-believers in the Old Testament. I couldn’t remember but it probably involved boiling oil and pointy sticks and squidgy parts of peoples anatomies. Note to self: next time, if you _must_ do this in a religious setting, try Bhuddist Nirvana. They’re a lot less wrathful and vengeful.

I popped a couple of Rennie’s and munched fretfully as Stuart Coleman stood and asked the assembled skeptics if religion benefited society – and just to really get my stomach acid rising, Stuart went on to comment on the need to create ‘ghosts’ from random shapes.

My indigestion eased somewhat as Archy recounted his look at some incredibly lazy science reporting centered around yet another Atlantis theory. Damn you and your poor attempts at fiction Plato! But at least we were moving away from subject matter likely to cause annoyance in our all-knowing host.

Skeptico stood and pointed out the tired old repetitious fallacies that ID proponents wheel out at the vaguest hint of patterns in nature. Veering close to holy criticism I grant you, but Skeptico took pity on my nerves with lots of fascinating references to the SETI project. He then when on to make the Circle laugh by recounting the time a few days ago when we were all bathed in an ultraviolet pulse beam from higher dimensions. An event so earth-shaking that had Skeptico not told me about it, I don’t think I would ever had known it had happened. Certainly the ‘jump-start in manifesting the things we would like to cocreate in our own lives’ must’ve passed me by.

Next up, the guys from Humbug Online told everyone about some of the best Shonky stuff around including bio-available Oxygen and the Magnetic Laundry System, thus establishing that Aussie punters are just as credulous as Yanks and Poms.

Interverbal rose and clearly and concisely decimated the arguments of some ‘autism epidemic’ apologists by expanding on DoC’s earlier points to show that no matter how one attempted to twist the stats, the CDDS is never going to be a good source of data for autism prevalence.

Orac slapped the table to show his appreciation of Interverbal’s clinical smackdown and then went on to tell the assembled skeptics just exactly what the problem with Deepak Chopra was, coining the marvellous phrase ‘Choprawoo’ into the bargain.

Once the Skeptics had all finished giggling at the phrase ‘Choprawoo’ (personally I doubted I’d ever get tired of it), Seth from a Whiskey Before Breakfast staggered unsteadily to his feet and slurred his way through not one, but two pieces on why magical thinking was bad for people and how magical thinking did not equate to skeptical thinking.

And talking of magical thinking, EoR from The Second Sight told everybody that nothing – quite literally _nothing_ – worked like Homeopathy.

Martin from Salto Sobrius rose next and explained how puzzled he was when people said they weren’t religious but were spiritual and how it seemed to him that the word meant nothing and anything….verging on dangerous ground again – didn’t these skeptics know I had high blood pressure? Luckily my chelationist was waiting for me in his custom 15 door limo-cum-consulting rooms-cum-hyperbaric chamber after the Circle meet up was finished so I knew I’d be all right.

P cleared his throat and proceeded to remind the assembled skeptics about the Strawman fallacy and what a first class example of one he’d come across recently whilst attempting to debate a Christian. ‘Thanks, P’ I thought to myself as I popped another brace of Rennie’s.

Bronze Dog also decided to my indigestion by talking about the appeal to ridicule gambit and, much to my horror, directly addressed the idea of ‘God’ as doggerel…..a definite rumble of celestial thunder sounded outside the door and the room briefly shook. This was going pear shaped. Fast. I needed a safe pair of hands…

Tara stood and told the circle about The failure of alternative medicine – a subject I was profoundly interested in _and_ relieved to be talking about.

Tara indicated she’d finished.

I stood up. “That’s it – everyone’s presented. I’ll close by saying that

a) The Next Circle is at Polite Company on November 9th

b) By way of a party favour, I have this modest bit of fun for you all and

c) I have no idea how to get out of Heaven.”