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Proud of You

16 Nov

I had the privilege of presenting a second piece on KQED Radio’s Perspectives. The piece, Proud of You, aired earlier this week. The audio is on KQED’s site.

When we were expecting our son a doctor told us he would be very disabled. I had feared hearing that and yet I had never prepared myself. I didn’t even know what questions to ask. After many sleepless nights the question came to me. I called a friend of mine whose daughter is disabled and asked simply, “Is she happy?” Yes, he told me, she is generally happy.

I didn’t know whether my son would be able to be happy. In our society we often equate disability with unhappiness.

A few days later we learned this was a misdiagnosis.

When my son was two we realized he was disabled, for different reasons. There were suddenly far too many things to do than we could manage. But I never thought, “My son and I should set an example.”

I did want to make sure my son got out into the world. For him. I knew it would be very easy to retreat to our home. So we go into the community as often as we can.

People notice us. Once, a man approached us. He was very upset as he was trying to come to terms with his mother’s dementia. He saw a parallel between his mother and my son. And he noticed that my son and I very much enjoy our time together, even though we are very different.

My mother had recently passed away after years of dementia. I told my neighbor what I had learned from my son. This person in front of you is still a valid person. My son is very different from other children. My mother was different than she was when we were younger. But I learned to enjoy the time I have with the people in front of me rather than comparing them to some “normal” person.

I told my son, “I’m talking about you because I’m proud of you.”

People notice my son and me. Sometimes they see us struggle. Struggle hard. Often they see us enjoy our time together.

I don’t mind that people notice us. When they do, I remember when my friend helped me, when my son taught me to accept my mother. And I hope that our struggles and our joys set an example for others.

With a Perspective, this is Matt Carey.

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Want to understand acceptance? Listen to I am what I am

8 May

This weekend I saw another production of La Cage Aux Folles. The song “I am what I am” has long been one of my favorites, and the lyrics are posted in my kid’s room. I’ve posted this before, with some explanation. This time, I invite you to listen, read the lyrics and, if you don’t understand why I feel this is so fitting: ask.

I am what I am
I am my own special creation.
So come take a look,
Give me the hook or the ovation.
It’s my world that I want to take a little pride in,
My world, and it’s not a place I have to hide in.
Life’s not worth a damn,
‘Til you can say, “Hey world, I am what I am.”
I am what I am,
I don’t want praise, I don’t want pity.
I bang my own drum,
Some think it’s noise, I think it’s pretty.
And so what, if I love each feather and each spangle,
Why not try to see things from a diff’rent angle?
Your life is a sham ’til you can shout out loud
I am what I am!
I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses.
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces.
There’s one life, and there’s no return and no deposit;
One life, so it’s time to open up your closet.
Life’s not worth a damn ’til you can say,
“Hey world, I am what I am!”


By Matt Carey

What Autism Awareness Means

20 Apr

We are often told to be “aware” of autism. But what does that do, really? With awareness comes acceptance. And for my son acceptance means being able to live his life.

A few years ago, I took my son for a walk to our local shopping center. We have done this every weekend day since he was in a stroller. This time we passed Nicco’s hardware store, where they always keep a stock of the American flags my son likes to buy. When they see us pass, they often start a fresh batch of the free popcorn he loves.

At the donut store, Mary and Monica helped him learn to buy things and to wait his turn. We’ve been doing this for years, but they never lose enthusiasm. At the bagel store my son walked right up to the counter as where Sylvia handed him his favorite cinnamon raisin bagel with her traditional “this is for you!” To this day, the workers at the bagel store hand him a bagel with a smile as he walks in. He eats while we wait in line to pay.

At our local market, I got distracted, as parents are wont to do. And my son wandered off, as children are wont to do. I ran to the door panicked because I had to make sure he was safe from traffic. Once I was pretty sure he was still in the store, I ran from aisle to aisle, yelling his name. Still scared. And what I found was a neighbor smiling at me, pointing and saying, “he’s over there”.

She knew us. She was aware that he needed support. When she saw him alone, she kept an eye on him.

He was 7 years old then. He’s 14 now. He still needs a lot of support, and always will.

When my father was growing up, people like my son would be institutionalized. When I was growing up, people with disabilities were hidden. Now that my son is growing up, he lives in a time and a community in which people are aware that he needs support. They accept him and know he deserves respect.

Awareness means my son can be in a community. Acceptance means he can live his life.

With a Perspective, this is Matt Carey.

The above was given as part of the Perspectives program on KQED radio. The original, complete with audio, can be found on the KQED website at What Autism Awareness Means