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Curious Search Terms

7 Nov

Every so often I amuse myself by trawling through the search terms people use on Google, yahoo etc to find their way here. Some of them are fairly obvious – I rank pretty well on autism and web related terms.

However I occasionally find some downright bizarre or otherwise funny terms. Some of them are so odd I simply can’t figure how any engine returned my site as a match. I thought what I’d so was to share some of the more odd phrase that turn up in my web logs on occasion.

can ingesting mice urine make humans sick?

Pure genius. This is one of those great questions that answers themselves. Simply remove the ‘Can’ and the ‘?’.

quack jeff bradstreet quack

OK, I agree but the funniest thing about this is the mental image of someone shouting “Quack Jeff Bradstreet, quack!” in some sort of demented orgy of duck-related flagellation.

ipods cause autism

I must admit that a mouthful of tea very nearly hit my monitor when I first read this. I feel sure that in the coming months we will see a rise of parent-lef groups campaigning to rid the world of evil MP3 playing devices. ITS THE MUSIC PLAYERS, STUPD!!

stop the pigeon

I loved that cartoon. Second only to Pinky and the Brain. I have no idea how it ended up in my web logs though.

play extremist deth

??? Are ‘extremist deth’ a group? Some kind of sick board game? It sounds like some sort of Metallica/Napalm Deth offshoot to me.

theres a voice keeps on calling me! down the road thats where i ll always be!!!

I frigging hated the Littlest Hobo. Sorry America. But this was such a surreal phrase to turn up in my web logs that it kept me giggling for hours.

naughty policewoman

Er…OK. There’s only one guy I know of who hangs about with Strippers and lap dancers (its his job the lucky git). I promise I don’t keep any ‘naughty policewomen’ related imagery.

Not on my web server anyway.

nicest ass in the internet

Heeyyyy…..thanks unknown searcher. Seriously though? I really doubt it. I’m large, shambling, hairy with wild eyes etc. And _in_ the internet?

how to say subjcts in french

I love irony as much as the next man.

powerpoint noise induced hearing loss

One of my personal favourites. Is there a support group for people who’ve lost their hearing due to Powerpoint related noise? If not, there really should be. The suits I know love to put swishy noises on there terminally dull presentations. Possibly someone got carried away in an apocolyptic cacophony of MS-plinky action noises.

how do i speak to my dead husband

OK now, I try not to be cruel but I defy anyone not to think wicked thoughts. Its not so much that this person wants to speak to their dead husband so much as she _searched the internet_ looking for sites to tell her how to do it.

And thats it for my web logs – got anything amusing, odd or downright peculiar lurking in your search terms?

Lets Cut Microsoft Some Slack Eh?

19 Sep

I don’t know about anyone else but I’m getting really really bored with the recent upsurge in MS bashing. Its really prevalent in the web design industry as a lot of designers are Mac users.

It comes in many flavours. First their is the odd blog post with a reasonable proposition that turns into an MS (oops, sorry ‘M$’) bashing fest. Or there’s the full on blog attack.

MS (damn, did it again, I need to write ‘M$’ for full ‘kewl’ points right?) have just released their Developer toolbar for IE and yup, you can bet that announcement got its fair share of idiocy too.

Most of the complaints centre around how uninovatory Microsoft are. Well duh. Thats not their strength. You know thats not their strength, they’ve never traded seriously on that being their strength. Stop moaning about it. However, what they _are_ good at is responding to demand. They watched how Konfabulator panned out then launched Gadgets. They watched how Tiger panned out and they’ll soon launch Vista. They watched how Firefox panned out and saw how good some of the extensions were/are and did their own…..um, whats wrong with that?

Here’s one of the things that rankles me: if they _didn’t_ do these things then these same people would be moaning about how Microsoft are sticking with the same old crap that nobody likes. There truly are times when Microsoft cannot win. They appreciate how good something is and implement a similar system/product and get accused of being uninnovative. Stick with what they’ve got and they get accused of not being able to move forward.

Here’s another thing that rankles me: without the Windows PC, the vast majority of those doing the moaning would not be in the line of work they are currently in. Corporate websites require visitors. Next time you wonder who pays your wages (or who funds your clients ability to finance design work) take a look at the OS stats for your clients site visitors.

Windows made the PC easy for the mass market to use and to get on the web with. Whilst Mac dither about for months designing a _mouse_ , the average price of an internet ready Windows PC is still falling. Whilst precocious designers complain about how Gadgets are really Widgets or what ever, Windows users continue to ramp up web sales.

This recent spate of Windows bashing is totally misplaced. So what if Vista uses a ‘plastic’ style interface? So what if Desktop X wasn’t the first to support widgets? So what if the new IE toolbar resembles the Firefox extension? Are any of these things holding back innovation on the web?

Why don’t you redirect some of that moaning into areas that Microsoft really _do_ need a good kicking about? Like full CSS2.1 support. Or why it took nearly half a decade to get an upgrade to their flagship web product?

Oh, and if you really want to know why PC’s (both Win and *nix) sell better than Macs, try changing the memory on a Mac Mini.

Having A Mint? Nope.

6 Sep

So Mint got launched. The product site is gorgeous and you can almost taste the minty tang on your tongue as you surf around. Watch for it appearing in CSS Galleries over the next few days.

Regarding Mint itself: First things first. It also looks fantastic. But then its designed and built by Shaun Inman so thats hardly news. It also works like a dream but, again, its designed and built by Shaun Inman so, again, thats not a surprise.

What _is_ a surprise is how limited it is functionally. It picks up on browser share, visitors, searches. Its a Stats programme. Call me cynical but I was distinctly underwhelmed. Whats new here that justifies $30 per site?

Most disappointingly of all, you can’t configure it to hook straight into your server generated log files. Instead its dependant on Javascript to source all stats. Thats not good. Or as reliable as getting data straight from the source.

Now I know some people will say that its very simplicity (which seems to be becoming synonymous with ‘lack of standard functionality’ on the web these days) is its attraction – thats its easy to just get the most ‘vital’ data and go. Hm. What web stat application can you _not_ do that with? Personally, I’d rather have all the options I can and then invest some time in (gasp!) learning why they’re important and how to use them.

I don’t mean to knock Shaun Inman here. He’s a web designer/developer that the vast majority of us can only aspire to be as skillful as. Maybe thats why I’m so disappointed by this. The ‘Inman’ brand usually comes with an assurance of innovation and ‘must have’-ability (sorry for the word mangling).

I use Awstats on all my sites and the sheer power is hard to beat. Its also very well organised, dead easy to use and a doddle to find what you need. Its also free.

Mint on the other hand seems like its aimed at a ‘vanity’ audience who just want the quick warm glow of seeing which of their mates linked to them. Thats all very well but whats the point in that other than a quick ego-trip? A tool like Awstats by comparison allows you to develop a brand new skill – learning to read log files in order to better your SEO skills. If you’re in business then the better your SEO skills are, the more money you make. If you’re an agency or in-house developer then the better your SEO skills are, the more money you make for your company and the better your chances of career advancement are. How can you lose?

One area of interest might be Pepper which is basically an API to allow 3rd party developers to develop plugins for Mint. But to be honest, if I’ve already paid $30 per site when I can get 100 times the power for free then I expect much more functionality to be in the core product from the word go.

Is there some aspect I’ve missed here? Something that would blow me away?

Web 2.0? No Thanks.

5 Sep

Web 2.0 – I’ve seen the phrase now and again but I’m not big on hype and I wouldn’t consider myself a really early adopter so I just marked it away for future consideration and moved on. Over the last few months though I read an upsurge in articles about Web 2.0 and have a clearer idea about what it actually is.

What it is is hype with very little substance. Steady on now as I’m going to have a bit of a rant.

First is the idea of attaching a version number to an uncontrollable system. This is the most bullshit marketing aspect of the whole deal. The whole point of versioning software is to retain an aspect of control over its staged development.

It also seems to be an attempt to add ‘coolness’ to something which doesn’t need it, in much the same way as the year 2000 become known as Y2K. I really hated that too. A year (or the web) isn’t cool, it just _is_. If it needs to have coolness thrust upon it then its almost certainly a concept that isn’t a good idea.

Secondly is my fear that this is simply a way to wrap up a series of perfectly understandable and easy to access concepts in a containing idea that simply adds mystique where none is needed and might actually be counter productive. We have enough to learn as web designers/developers without having a totally unnecessary concept put upon us.

Lets have a look at the technical components that encompass Web 2.0:

CSS, semantically valid XHTML markup, and Microformats
Unobtrusive Rich Application techniques (such as Ajax)
Syndication of data in RSS/ATOM
Aggregation of RSS/ATOM data
Clean and meaningful URLs
Support posting to a weblog
REST or XML Webservice APIs
Some social networking aspects

Wikipedia

So basically, Web 2.0 is any halfway decent out-of-the-box blogging tool.

This leads me to strongly suspect that Web 2.0 is essentially a big old-boys club for web designers/developers. Once we were able to take the piss out of those lesser than us because we could code valid XHTML and they couldn’t. Now they’ve caught up we need to up the stakes to something else in order to maintain the old boys network.

What the hell was wrong with the ‘Semantic Web’? as a concept? At least it didn’t appear to be a way to exclude rather than include people, it didn’t place a stupid amount of emphasis on blogging and it had a totally valid purpose – to make the web more semantic and thus easier to understand. Most of all it didn’t have a bloody infantile ‘version number’.

WikiPedia sums it up:

An earlier usage of the phrase Web 2.0 was a synonym for Semantic Web. The two concepts are similar and complementary. The combination of social networking systems such as FOAF and XFN with the development of tag-based folksonomies and delivered through blogs and wikis *creates a natural basis for a semantic environment*.

Thats right, it does. And a naturally developed environment has no need to suffer through the bullshit of a hyperbolic naming and packaging process. Let the semantic web evolve and stop trying to coerce it.

Lion Taming For Beginners

1 Sep

What results in a successful piece of software? Is it the power of the software itself? Is it the range of features it has? Or is is the interface design that allows a user to access those powerful features?

Its a bit of everything really but that would make for a very short and dull post and you’d feel like you wasted your time if I finished with that so let me explain.

I’ve just started a new role working for a software development company. Their flagship product is an immensely powerful data management tool – and ‘tool’ is an understatement, it doesn’t _begin_ to do justice to the level of complexity this bad boy has. If you’re an ordinary user you can view and generate reports and charts based on data from either an OLAP or relational (SQLServer in this case) DB. If you’re a Developer then you can design custom forms, reports, get down and dirty with your own SQL and a wide variety of other frighteningly techy things I’m too right brained to get right now. Take it from me, this is one powerful piece of kit.

And its driven through the thinnest of clients – a web browser. When I first saw it working, it blew my ‘cool’ rating up to 11. Its the first time I’ve ever seen anything this powerful working in a standard install web browser.

But as Spidey’s dead Uncle once said: “with great power comes great responsibility.” and thats where this colossus falters just a _little_ bit. Its too easy to get lost in it and its a very steep learning curve to learn how to use it. We know that and this is one of the reasons they took me on – to put an interface on it that is easy to navigate and make it work like the very best web based applications such as “Rojo.com”:http://www.rojo.com – a big powerful beast with an interface that tames it wonderfully.

I suspect I may have a bit of understandable resistance to overcome. There’s a lot of people who invested a lot of time in this product and it’ll take some time to convince them that I also want whats best for it. I’m hoping I can find a way to let them see the potential of this without treading on anyones toes.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes…

28 Aug

Sometimes in life you have some fairly mad times when things happen all at once. Such has been my life over last 2 or 3 months.

Firstly of course was the birth of Tabby (we called her Tabitha Catherine – tabby cat – get it? Heheheh…I kill me) at the end of June.

Shortly after that (and possibly not entirely unrelated) was a marked downturn in my health. I have alarmingly high blood pressure necessitating frequent trips to hospitals for EEG’s (or ECG’s I can never remember which) and blood tests for liver function etc (did someone put me on a course of EDTA without telling me? OK, ok, cheap shot). Thats been the case for a couple of years now. Anyway over the last 2 – 3 weeks its got bad enough to cause me to look for a job closer to home. My current job necessitated a 5am start and a 7.30pm return home, usually punctuated by a 2am wake up with Meggy and a hungry baby at some point!

Anyway, I got a job closer to home and a very exciting one it looks too. My current job entailed a total development lifecycle from brief taking through development and design and promotion – I was the inhouse designer/developer for a financial services company.

Whilst I enjoyed it, I was feeling towards the end of my time there that I’d taken the role about as far as I could. When I started the main website was averaging 9 unique visitors a week and was basically a brochure site. At this time its a standards compliant (XHTML 1.0, CSS 2) semi-portal that handles online mortgage and loan applications and inserts them into the companies offline systems automatically. All this coming from approx 300 unique visitors per day. The website has taken nearly £1m of business through a mix of traditional SEO and online ads with AdWords and Overture. All in all, I’m very happy to be walking away now and am pleased to have achieved everything I set out to achieve. Its time for a new challenge and one thats easier to fit into a busy life.

To that end I’ll soon be working with a Software development company. All their software has a web interface accessed through an Intranet environment and they use a Unix/Java programming environment. Its an exciting opportunity as my role will be centred around standards, usability, accessibility with an emphasis on AJAX scripting on the front end. As a company they’re very into standards and open source development and were particularly looking for someone who was active in the web design/development community.

I also made it abundantly clear to them that any career progression on my part would be limited. The majority of my time must go to my family – its not easy to climb the career ladder when you parent a special needs child – and I don’t have either the time or the desire to network in the way one must in order to move one’s career significantly forward. Its a simple question of priorities and I’d rather have happy kids than an iPod.

Its also time to get more serious about my health. I’m not 25 anymore and can’t tuck away the Grolsch and vin rouge as I used to. Since I stopped smoking 6 years ago I’ve fleshed up alarmingly. Again, some of it was due to being so busy – you just grab something quick and bung it in the microwave – but thats got to change. I’ll also be (gulp!) buying myself a bike to get around. My doctor snapped at me alarmingly at my last check up (“what good you do your kids if you dead eh?”) so I think its time to start listening.

Please Read

10 Aug

As this site gets busier and busier I’m finding it increasingly difficult to answer everything that comes up. If I don’t answer immediately please be patient.

I’ve had to ramp up my spam control. This may result in your comment getting moderated. Please don’t worry if this happens to your comment. If its genuine I’ll release it as soon as I can.

I try and avoid moderation and deletion as much as I can. I don’t care if you swear as long as its not abusively directed at someone. I also don’t care if you agree with what I have to say or not. Feel free to disagree but please try to keep a certain level of politeness going.

This site is not a democracy. It belongs to me. Its not an open forum for you to preach. If you flood the comments with duplicate posts or abusive posts or posts that are exactly the same as what somone else has said or are simply meaningless then I’ll remove them. Server space costs money and I need to optimise it as much as I can.

I’ve sadly had to ban 2 people in the last week or so. One of them was attempting to flood the comments with the same message over and over resulting in over 10 identical posts I had to waste time removing. Prior to this he’d had 2 warnings about abusive language.

The other person was openly aggressive and confrontational. He also flauted warnings.

Be passionate, be angry or happy or sad or whatever. I’d expect no less from anyone – this is a contraversial subject – but if you step out of line you’ll get warned then banned. I’ll also report you to your ISP which may well result in the suspension or removal of your internet access. Such things are not uncommon. This is ‘last resort’ tactics but I will do it if pushed.

Thank you for listening. We now return you to your regularly scheduled arguing.

Kev
Not as good as AutismDiva at this

Semantics Is The New Black

30 Jul

Every year around January time, the design/development community make a few predictions as to what will be the big thing for the upcoming year. Predictions range from popular colours, site types, font choices as well as more esoteric things such as concepts (AJAX was touted as the coming thing this year with some apparent justification) but a few things become popular due to events or industry leaders making them news (for example Andy Clarke’s recent post about accessibility and societal control and SiteMorses recent footshooting debacle has placed accessibility back to the forefront of the community’s collective mind).

And then some things quietly and unobtrusively instill themselves into our design/development lives with scarcely a ripple.

The ongoing movement towards semantics on the web is something that does seem to pass by even us in the community responsible for its promotion. I want to take a look at a few things that we might not even have thought of as examples of web based semantics and how they are affecting us on a daily basis.

What we mean by semantics as they apply to the web is the principle of the ‘thing’ itself having meaning as well as the message that the ‘thing’ is overtly conveying. A prime example of this:

This is a paragraph.

You can’t get much more semantic than that! We use a ‘paragraph’ element to convey the covert meaning on the section in question as well as to display the text in that element overtly.

But these days, semantics cover a much wider range of possibilities and meanings than a simple markup element. Lets take a look at Search.

Search engines such as Google, Yahoo and MSN will place an increasing amount of importance on semantics. This process is already underway – I’ve discussed before how Google are implementing a process called Latent Semantic Indexing – and will only increase pace. But what does semantics mean for search engines? It can mean lots of things. Firstly there is the semantic relationship between the search word/phrase you use to generate results and the actual results themselves. Obviously, the better that match is the more accurate your SERPs (Search Engine Results Pages) will be.

From a web developers point of view, semantics affect our sites relationship with search engines in two major ways. Firstly if you want to promote the phrase ‘bad credit loans’ on your site then creating phrases that share a semantic meaning with that phrase or the words in that phrase is a good idea ‘bad credit loans’ could be semantically matched with ‘debt consolidation’ or ‘secured loans’ or ‘credit worries’. The second way semantics is important to us comes in terms of the sites that link to us. If I’m in charge of a travel insurance website then my automatic assumption might be to get lots of backlinks from finance related sites. However, the semantic way of looking at the relationship would be to get links from sites that share a common or similar theme – holiday sites, airline sites etc.

A more intriguing and tantalizing possibility regarding semantics and search engines is the possibility that search engines are capable of determining the _type_ of site. By this I mean is the site an e-commerce site? Is it a forum? Is it a basic brochure site? Is it a blog? This semantic relationship between the underlying code of a site, its structure and its overall purpose does seem detectable by engines albeit in a fairly basic ‘brute force’ way – so far.

Moving away from search a little bit we should take a look at how blogging has powered a massive increase in constructing a semantic structure to its particular environment. Sites like Technorati which are essentially search engines for blogs have a core functionality which lists all the other sites a particular site is receiving links from – in the blogosphere links are awarded by bloggers who feel the linkee shares a common goal/spirit/language/understanding with them and hence Technorati’s Cosmos feature is a foundation of semantics – communication going beyond just the overt. With blogs becoming increasingly popular its no wonder the big search engines are interested in matching sites like Technorati’s semantic influence.

Then of course there are the blogs themselves – categorisable and taggable as sites never have been before and capable of creating a vast community based not just on what each blogger finds interesting but on the way that blogs store, produce and display information. Again, the way its said is as important as whats actually _being_ said. And as new formats and new offshoots appear (del.icio.us/ and flickr for example) that semantic relationship between blogs that share no visual similarities and _who might not even be aware of each other_ builds and builds. Flickr and del.icio.us can be fed into a lot of blogs and blogs can export their content in meaningfully rich ways via RSS.

So, semantics – its the new black. As our understanding of what can be achieved by making sure we write to a common format and how relationships between codable structures fire relationships between people increases so will our ability to have a web that can finally begin to bring things to us with increasing accuracy. The future isn’t Search, the future is Delivery.

A Book Baton

19 Jul

Ben from Binary Moon has passed me a book baton which as an avid reader I feel compelled to pass on.

Number of books on the shelf

Erm: lots! I have two large bookcases and one smaller bookcase. I’d guesstimate 400 books. Have I read all of them? Except for the wifes crappy John Grisham novels of course! Several times!

Last book purchased

In The Night Room. Peter Straub. Not his best but still pretty damn good.

Book reading right now

Koko. Peter Straub. Reading a new Straub always sets me off to read Koko again which I consider one of the best books ever written.

Last 5 books read

1. Flashman on the march. George McDonald Fraser. Hilarious as ever.
2. Only Forward. Micheal Marshall Smith.
3. The Algebraist. Iain M Banks.
4. Shade. Neil Jordan.
5. Diamon Dogs, Turquoise Days. Alistair Reynolds.

Books that mean a lot to me

The Dune series. Lord of the Rings. Koko. The Flashman collection. Catch 22.

Passing this along to

1. Matthew Pennell
2. Orac
3. AutismDiva
4. Prabhath Sirisena
5. Martin Smith

Terrorism – Yawn.

7 Jul

I don’t live in London but half of my family live around London and a lot of my friends do too. A lot of people I don’t know too well but respect the shit out of also live and/or work there too as well as a whole load of people I don’t know and have never/will never meet. It seems somebody(ies) take exception to that and felt that today was the opportune moment to try and remove them from existence. In approaching (so far) 40 cases, they succeeded.

I’ve spoken to the vast majority of people I care about who I know were in London today, including a close friend who I know gets the bus on the Marble Arch route that the decimated double decker takes so, with a few exceptions I know my people are safe.

Personally I couldn’t give a shit which of the self-centered moronic groups failed to impress anyone today. Possibly it was Osama and his terribly amusing upper-middle class revolution. Or maybe it was the ‘real’ IRA, or ETA, or anyone of a number of other human scum, does anyone really care? I don’t. I don’t think the British people do. You lack the balls to argue your case so resort to attacking civilians. This demonstrates both the lack of your intellect and the weakness of your position.

Whoever you are you need to face this: you took your best shot and came up woefully short. You attacked a country that single handedly repelled the might of the Luftwaffe 60 years ago and who not only prevented an invasion but who took the fight to Europe. What will happen next is this: we’ll honour and celebrate the lives of our dead, then we’ll bury them and then we’ll go on with our lives without worrying about you or your inadequacies. We lived through the best the IRA had to offer for over 30 years. Whatever made you think anything _you_ could do would impress us?

We’ll be back up and running by next week, moaning about work, getting pissed at the weekends, taking the piss out of the French, sneering at the idea of being productive and not giving a shit what you or anyone else thinks. We’ll have 40 or so more names to add to honour at days of national celebration and thats that. And thats the thing you hate the most isn’t it? Being ignored? You desire fear and legitimacy right? Well sorry, we don’t really do that here. All you’ve really done is united us in a way we haven’t been united for quite a long time. Now shhhh, go play somewhere else and leave the democracy for the grown ups.