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Follow the money

31 Dec

Regularly whenever I read about some nefarious plot by Big Pharma to use vaccines to take over the world/cause autism/incite riots/insert crap of your choice here, the writer exhorts the reader to ‘follow the money’ as a phrase to indicate that the evil, money grubbers at Big Pharma can have their actions rationalised by seeing how much they might gain from the particular conspiracy theory under discussion. Of course, very rarely can these writers actually name an individual at Big Pharma or an alleged ‘payout’ they are getting.

Luckily, Times reporter Brian Deer is an _actual_ reporter – i.e. one who investigates his findings and sources his facts. Today he published the findings of his latest investigation into Andrew Wakefield and the associated people that support his vaccine/autism/legal financial business.

Brian has basically found that UK tax payer funded legal aid to the sum of _£3.4m_ was spent (wasted might be a better word) on payments to doctors and scientists who had been recruited to support a now failed lawsuit against vaccine manufacturers. This information wasn’t submitted voluntarily, Brian had to submit a Freedom of Information request in order to unearth the figures. There are some notable names on the list:

Andrew Wakefield: £439,553. Quite profitable to start vaccine litigation isn’t it? Seems that you can fleece the British tax payer to the tune of nearly half a million quid. Follow the money indeed.

But is good old Wakers alone? Oh no, this money making machine had a few members, some familiar names to this blog:

Dr Ken Aitken, Scottish DAN! Doctor: £232,022. After resigning under a cloud from his role at Royal Hospital for Sick Children, Edinburgh, Aitken gladly signed up for this gravy train which seems to have netted him nearly a quarter of a million quid of tax payers money. In 2004, Aitken was severely reprimanded by the British Psychological Society concerning his handling of an autistic child’s case. The society’s conduct committee said that he “allowed his professional responsibilities or standards of practice to be diminished by considerations of extraneous factors”.

Peter Fletcher: £39,960. I wrote a blog entry about Peter Fletcher’s anti-MMR strawmen awhile ago. Here’s a quote from him:

There are very powerful people in positions of great authority in Britain and elsewhere who have staked their reputations and careers on the safety of MMR and they are willing to do almost anything to protect themselves.

You can say that again.

And on it goes:

Arthur Krigsman, Business partner of Andrew Wakefield: £16,986. His unpublished ‘papers’ have been cited numerous times by Wakefield and supporters as evidence Wakefield was right, conveniently forgetting they were a) unpublished and b) written for his boss. According to Brian (see link in Aitken paragraph), in December 2004, he left Lennox Hill hospital, New York,after a lawsuit, which was followed by an ethics inquiry. In August 2005, he was fined $5,000 by the Texas Medical Board for misconduct. Gotta try and recoup some of that money somewhere eh?

Jeff Bradstreet: £21,600. Bradstreet – who recommends exorcism for autism – snapped up Wakefield as Director of his business after Wakefield was booted out of the Royal Free.

Mark Geier: £7,052. We could write a whole book on the Geier’s and their dubious practices. Luckily, Kathleen has documented most of them already. Suffice it to say, Geier shouldn’t be offering legal expert advice to anyone.

See some more notables on Brian’s personal site.

Brian’s report in the Times also states:

…among those named as being paid from the legal aid fund was a referee for one of Wakefield’s papers, who was allowed £40,000…

Which is an interesting position as Wakefield is on record as stating:

You cannot referee your own soccer matches. It’s like asking the Italians to — an Italian referee to take over the game of Italy between South Korea. It doesn’t work. Can’t do it. You have to separate those agencies that endorse and mandate vaccines and those who monitor safety. One needs to be on the back of the other all the time in order to check on safety.

Quite. That same principle also works against you Mr Wakefield. Back-handers to referee’s of your papers makes you an Italian throwing a bung to an Italian referee. Follow the money.

Also according to the LSC (who oversee administration of Legal Aid) A private GP who runs a single vaccines clinic received £6,000. Follow the money.

What the hell are the LSC playing at? They have a £2billion per year budget in order to provide legal services to people who can’t afford to retain a lawyer. Once that money is spent, its spent. Apparently, they’ve already:

acknowledged that the attempt to make a case against MMR with taxpayers’ money was “not effective or appropriate”.

Understatement of they year!

One of the legal aid recipients, John March has broken ranks to speak out against what has happened:

“There was a huge conflict of interest,” said Dr John March, an animal vaccine specialist who was among those recruited. “It bothered me quite a lot because I thought, well, if I’m getting paid for doing this, then surely it’s in my interest to keep it going as long as possible.”

I doubt March was alone in his thinking.

Wakefield has circulated a pitiful defence of his antics stating that these monies were received over a period of nine years and that after tax and ‘out of pocket expenses’ which he failed to detail or summarise he donated the money to charity. What a saint. The point, of course, is entirely missed. It doesn’t matter what you did with it Mr Wakefield, the point is that you got it. I hear tell some religious heroin dealers in Columbia donate some of their profit to churches. Big deal – they’re still crooks.

According to Brian’s report, at least one MP is calling for a an inquiry into how exactly this could’ve come about and a Lib Dem MP is quoted as saying:

“These figures are astonishing,” said Dr Evan Harris, Liberal Democrat MP for Oxford West and Abingdon. “This lawsuit was an industry, and an industry peddling what turned out to be a myth.”

Couldn’t have put it better myself.

More reading

Diva, Mike, Orac and Anthony.

Autism extremists

28 Dec

There is a lot wrong with the UK in terms of provision for autistic people and education about what autism is to the mainstream. One of the things that isn’t quite right is the National Autistic Society. It’s numerous flaws include a lack of autistic people at policy making level.

But you know what? It knows this about itself and is trying to change. It is also a deeply responsible society. It carries a link to this PDF on its data pages. This article is a short ‘what is…’ guide that explains clearly what people should look for in a decent science paper and why these things are important. Peer review is discussed, as is the importance of publication in a respected journal. I strongly urge people to download this and pass it on to any parent or interested researcher. Its a great, non-technical, helpful and clear article.

By contrast, the US Autism Society of America (which is obviously in a battle with Autism Speaks as its strapline is ‘the voice of autism’) seems to have taken a step further down the road to quackery. In the latest issue of its ‘Advocate’ magazine, it included a number of interviews with such mercury militia stalwarts as Mady Hornig, JB Handley, Dan Olmsted and Martha Herbert. It also included a ‘how-to recover autistic children’ guide from ARI (home of the DAN! docs). Of note was the trumpeting of a new treatment option I hadn’t seen before:

Medical Marijuana to control aggression…

So if your autistic child is acting up, give ’em an illegal Class C narcotic….is this really the periodical of the most mainstream autism organisation in the USA? Giving space to people who want to push illegal drugs to kids?

I’m not going to pretend I’ve made it through 37 years of life without imbibing the odd narcotic but I was an adult, making my own informed choices. These people are trying to suggest that its OK to give these things to kids. Incredible.

I’ve discovered some of the most informed, considerate and knowledgeable people in the US. I’ve also discovered some of the most frightening, genuinely ignorant (and desirous of that state) people in the US.

Every now and then I can’t hold back from posting to web forums that discuss autism. I did that just before Christmas at a web forum that I’ve now stopped posting at again – it reaches such a fever pitch of idiocy that you think ‘what’s the point?’ And of course, people mail me every so often to point out something dumber than usual that that poster boy for assholery John Best has posted. I stopped reading John’s blog awhile ago for the same reason – the people who post there aren’t interested in debate or enlightenment. They desire their state of ignorance. Well, a quick toke on what DAN! promote those days should help with that!

But anyway, a quick example of one of the more extreme people who post at both these places (I didn’t know until today that this person posts at John’s blog but it wasn’t a surprise) is a poster called ‘dgdavies’ – real name Diane. I find her utterly fascinating and repulsive at the same time.

I found out via her that there is a conspiracy to somehow tie in the vaccine/autism hypothesis to the 11/9 WTC terrorism (which, by the way, was orchestrated by an internal agency according to her). She was, understandably, not clear on the details but she was adamant.

I found out via her that the vaccine/autism hypothesis could well be an Illuminati plot as suggested by FAIR Autism Media wacko David Ayoub.

Her latest fascinating conspiracy theory is that (and this truly is an awe inspiring piece of self delusion) is that the diagnostic criteria for autism was widened at the last DSM revision _in order to ‘hide’ the mercury poisoned hordes_ .

I hear tell, that like John Best himself, Diane doesn’t believe in evolution.

Is this the legacy of Bernie Rimland? A bunch of whacked out stoners swapping addled stories? Pass the hash pipe dude.

There’s also the small matter of at least one ARI DAN doctor being a paedophile, another being very closely associated with a convicted paedophile, DAN doctors belonging to cults like Scientology and, of course, the DAN! hierarchy happy to accept killers. These aren’t conspiracy theories. These are established facts. Why have these people been given any time at all in a supposed mainstream autism publication?

David Kirby – what have you done?

20 Dec

I want to follow up somewhat on Joseph’s techncial takedown of David Kirby’s recent act of intellectual suicide. On the Huffington Post he wrote a bewildering post called ‘Bad News for Mercury Defenders‘ which discussed how Dan Olmsted’s recent sleuth-like skills led him to talking about a report that undermined studies conducted using VSD data.

Let us begin:

Next June, when the Vaccine Trial of the Century gets underway in Federal Claims Court, government lawyers will defend the direct injection of toxic mercury into infant children by repeating the well-worn mantra that “five large population studies” in Europe and the US have completely exonerated the vaccine preservative thimerosal as a possible cause of autism.

My, my – vaccine trial of the century eh? I’ll have to remember that one when the verdict comes back. This is crap. No lawyer will have to defend the direct injection of mercury into infant children. What they will have to do is counter the accusation that thiomersal in vaccines caused autism. Kirby (as usual) presents a highly distorted view to his adoring fans. The truth is that as in all legal cases, the burden of proof lies on those making the accusation. The accusation is not that mercury is dangerous. the accusation is that it caused autism.

Again:

The VSD study is constantly held up by public health officials as EXHIBIT A in the defense of injecting mercury into little kids.

No, its not. If its held up as anything, its held up as a study that refutes the link between thiomersal in vaccines and autism. Seriously – isn’t this man a journalist? What’s difficult to grasp about this concept?

Kirby goes on to diss the remaining studies and surmises this section of his blog thusly:

With so many holes shot through their “five large studies” defense, the government lawyers will be left to argue that autism is purely genetic, that there is no environmental component, and that the rates of illness have not “really” gone up. We are simply better at recognizing and diagnosing the disorder, that’s all.

Well, if that is the case, the mercury-defense lawyers should have no problem proving it. All they need do is produce irrefutable evidence that 1-in-166 American adults of ALL ages (and 1-in-104 men) fall somewhere within the autism spectrum disorder, at the same rate as kids. But they can’t, and they won’t.

I can only surmise that Kirby is a big fan of the Wizard of Oz and had strawmen on his mind whilst writing this. Yet _again_ he fails to grasp the fact that what this trial is about is simply if thiomersal caused autism. All the vaccine makers have to do is refute the ‘science’ from the other side. And lets be honest, after the RhoGAM smackdown that’s going to be about as difficult as falling off a log. It’ll be surprising if any of the ‘scientific’ evidence ever gets past a Daubert hearing as it failed to do in the RhoGAM case.

And whilst we’re at it, no one has said anything about arguing autism is purely genetic. Why in Gods name would _that_ be required? Autism may well have an environmental component – I know I think it does – but unless Kirby is trying to say that the word ‘environment’ is interchangable with the word ‘vaccine’ then this is also just…meaningless.

And lets get back to the clinical science for a moment:

Instead, one must also consider biological studies (animal, clinical, test tube) when assessing causation. And that’s where the plaintiffs will come to court armed with reams of published evidence – produced at Harvard, Columbia, Davis, etc., and printed in prestigious journals – to suggest a highly plausible biological mechanism that would link a known neurotoxin with a neuro-developmental disorder

Has no one broken the news of the thiomersal/RHOGam/autism case to Kirby? _All_ the ‘science’ that Kirby is talking about here was brought to that trial (follow the link and you can download the entire Daubert findings and read the studies presented for yourself) and was cumulatively dismissed. Here’s what the presiding Judge stated:

However, upon being subjected to extensive cross examination, much of Dr. Geier’s analysis, based upon his collective review of a motley assortment of diverse literature, proved, in the Court’s view, to be overstated……[Dr. Geier] could not point to a single study that conclusively determined that any amount of mercury could cause the specific neurological disorder of autism.

So, that’s exactly what effect eliminating VSD based studies will have on the respondents case. None whatsoever.

But what about the plaintiffs? They have to prove beyond reasonable doubt that thiomersal in vaccines caused autism. And as Kirby helpfully points out:

….They wanted to know if the US database, the Vaccine Safety Datalink (VSD), could be used to compare autism rates in kids before, during, and after the gradual removal of thimerosal, which began in roughly 2000.

Unfortunately, the answer was a resounding “not really.” A laundry list of “weaknesses” and “limitations” associated with the database would render such a comparative analysis “uninformative and potentially misleading,” the panel said, (though it did suggest some excellent ways to re-approach the data going into the future).

Some weaknesses had to do with changes in medical practices over time. But many of the limitations sprang directly from the poorly designed VSD study itself….

So what studies could be killed off by this examination. Well, there are two actually. The first one is Verstraeten et al (2000) which is the one we’ve been discussing so far and Kirby’s been bashing. The other one is Geier and Geier (2005) which they plagiarised from Verstraeten et al (2000). Oops.

Why does the nuking of Geier matter whilst the nuking of Verstraeten does not? Burden of proof, which lies with the prosecution. The Geier paper will be used to help _establish_ causation which is vital, not prove it didn’t happen, which is not called for. The Geier paper (which was crap anyway, lets face it) has now been neatly and effectively taken out by Olmsted and Kirby. Don’t Americans refer to that as friendly fire? By removing Geier 2005 from the playing field, the prosecution are now left with clinical science which has already failed one Daubert hearing (I believe the legal term is ‘setting a precedent’) and any epidemiological data they can scrape together from VAERS and CDDS.

As far as VAERS go, I’d like to remind people of my own experimentation with VAERS. And as far as CDDS data goes, lets remind ourselves one more time what Kirby has said about CDDS data:

“if the total number of 3-5 year olds in the California DDS system has not declined by 2007, that would deal a severe blow to the autism-thimerosal hypothesis.”….total cases among 3-5 year olds, not changes in the rate of increase is the right measure.

And here, helpfully provided by Dad of Cameron are the ever-growing numbers in that cohort.

There’s also the small matter of The Simpsonwood Conspiracy. To quote Joseph:

….it completely undermines the foundations of the Simpsonwood conspiracy theory. You see, Verstraeten et al. were supposed to have found significant associations between thimerosal and neurodevelopmental outcomes beyond those that were reported in 2003. But now Kirby is endorsing a NIH report which says that ecological studies on the VSD database, specifically those done by Verstraeten et al., are likely flawed.

In other words, without the VSD data being good, the Simpsonwood Conspiracy is a non-starter.

Amazing.

Just Sayin’ Part VI

19 Dec

Just Sayin’ Part V

7 Dec

Just Sayin’ Part IV

18 Nov

From autism epidemic to silent pandemic

12 Nov

Developmental neurotoxicity of industrial chemicals (320kb).

CBS news (amongst plenty of others) recently reported on a new study published in The Lancet

Exposure to industrial chemicals may be responsible for a “silent pandemic” of brain development disorders affecting millions of children worldwide, and not enough is being done to identify the risks.

In an essay published online in the journal The Lancet, the researchers identified 202 potentially harmful industrial chemicals that may be contributing to dramatic increases in autism, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and other brain disorders among children.

Roughly half of the chemicals are in common use, but very few have been tested to determine their impact on brain development.

Right. So ‘very few’ of the chemicals’ have been tested to determine their impact on brain development but they are being touted as the cause of a ‘silent pandemic’? How does that work exactly?

Don’t get me wrong – these things should be looked at to determine their safety but really, this is an example of hysterical journalism. Lets take a look at what the paper itself actually says.

This is from the abstract:

Neurodevelopmental disorders such as autism, attention deficit disorder, mental retardation, and cerebral palsy….causes are mostly unknown.

And what about this ‘silent pandemic’? Well, firstly, lets make sure we’re on the same page. This essay ups the ante from ‘epidemic’ to ‘pandemic’ meaning that the ‘epidemic’ is on a large international scale. OK, so –

The underlying idea is that there is a dose-dependent continuum of toxic effects, in which clinically obvious effects have subclinical counterparts. A pandemic of subclinical neurotoxicity is therefore likely to be silent—ie, not apparent from standard health statistics.

The authors draw comparisons between this and the pioneering work which identified the issues of Lead toxicity in kids. However, they fail to note that these studies had actual data to back up their hypothesis. This is in direct contrast to this essay which has no such data. In fact, in relation to the idea of an ‘epidemic’ of autism, the authors admit that:

Some experts have reported that the prevalence of certain neurodevelopmental disorders—autism and attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder, in particular—might be increasing, but there are few data to sustain that position.

So, its clear that this ‘silent pandemic’, far from being a threat is totally hypothetical. Much as the authors might like to think it has happened, it is not apparent from any data that it has. The authors of this paper certainly failed to present _any_ supporting data.

Indeed, they even (inadvertently?) seem to exonerate thiomersal as a causative agent from their own investigation:

Substantial reductions have already been achieved in mercury use and release from hospitals and incinerators. A related substance, > ethylmercury, has been widely used as a preservative in vaccines, but neurotoxic risk has not been documented.

Very true.

Altogether this is an odd paper, which claims to support the idea that chemicals might play a role in causing neurodevelopmental disorders but fails to provide any evidence for that stance whatsoever.

If I was a more cynical person, I’d say somebody was trying to add to the ‘scientific’ knowledge being accumulated for the Autism Omnibus hearings next year as well as place the idea of poisoning in the public conciousness as well.

There’s a ‘Conflict of Interest’ statement on page 10:

P Grandjean has testified on behalf of the Natural Resources Defense Council in a court case in regard to mercury pollution from a chemical plant in Maine, USA. PJ Landrigan has testified on behalf of the State of Rhode Island, USA, in a lawsuit against the manufacturers of lead-based paint.

Very laudable. However, it fails to mention something else Grandjean is involved with. He’s an expert witness in the Autism Omnibus proceedings. That puts a slightly different slant on this weird essay.

Selling autism

4 Nov

It’s no secret that the Pat Sullivan’s are probably not career rocket scientists – they sell dietary supplements among other things on the internet. They probably lack understanding of even some very basic aspects of autism in my opinion but they seem to have remained benign and polite for the most part. No matter – I’m not a career rocket scientist either. I’d also like to state that I like both Pats. They always make an effort to go to the source which I find admirable.

Which is why I was disappointed by a couple of recent posts on the Sullivan blog.

Pat Jr. posting recently took issue with a post from Autism Diva which described a mercury mum as saying:

Dr Quig [Vice President, Scientific Support for Doctor’s Data Inc. lab] who sees zillion Doctors Data reports had some interesting comments: like TD-DMPS is not transdermal because it doesn’t trans the dermal! Suppositories and IV are generally more effective. He mentioned that none of these really penetrate the blood brain barrier.

Pat got in touch with Buttar to ask him about this. Apparently Buttar was pissed off in the extreme about it. Then Pat found out Buttar spoke to Doctors Data who profusely apologised and explained that:

Dr. Quig was merely saying that TD-DMPS is not good for challenge testing, something that Dr. Buttar fully agrees with. TD-DMPS is a therapeutic chelator that has the advantage of being able to remove metals slowly. But it’s the least effective for challenge tests

Uh – so? Quite aside from the point that the whole issue of challenge testing is fraught with bullshit, Quig never referred to how good or speedy a chelator TD-DMPS was, he said it didn’t work at all. Two very different things.

I’ve recently been having an email exchange with someone who was at one time very close to Dr Buttar’s practice. This person had some very interesting things to tell me about the way Buttar allegedly does business. Maybe Pat or Kevin Champagne could ask Dr Buttar personally just how much his clinic pays for the initial DNA testing he insists all new patients undergo? My source claims that he charges between $200 – _$900_ for these tests. My source further claims that these test kits are provided to Buttar’s clinic _free of charge_ from the test labs. If that’s true, then that’s a hell of a markup. Not illegal by any means but certainly very, very questionable ethical behaviour.

I was then saddened and disappointed to see the Sullivan’s start to market actively to their site visitors:

Now, I have been very, VERY careful not to ever advertise Jigsaw products to the autism community because I felt like it would give my opponents the ability to marginalize my arguments.

Possibly, but much as I like them, I’ve never found the Sullivan’s arguments to be critically thought through or scientifically supported. Possibly in an entry I’ve not read there is something.

Following that, is a paragraph about how a blogger who went to an autism conference listed a bunch of dietary supplements that, by a remarkable coincidence the Sullivan’s also just happen to sell – and are helpfully more than happy to list with clickable links to information and direct purchasing options.

Pat Jr. continues:

“So I guess this breaks my silence on marketing to the autistic community. Sorry.”

That made me a little cross. To the “autistic community”? It’s obvious that at least one Sullivan is maybe either a careless writer or apparently doesn’t understand the difference between “the autistic community” (that would be made up of autistic people), and “the autism community” (the larger community that includes parents of autistic children with money to spend or legally able to incur debt).

Sorry? What no, “we want to earn your business,” or “your satisfaction is our goal.”? All they can offer is a, “You’re a target, sorry”? Of course their motives are irrelevant. They are in business to make money. They’ll probably treat their “marketing targets” according to a business plan. In reality, their intentions say absolutely nothing about whether or not the vitamins, herbs, and lab tests they apparently re-sell do anything (or nothing) for for autism, the autistic community, or the autism community.

In fact, the reason we got involved in the autism debate to begin with was because of the near perfect parallel Pat experienced. It’s also the reason we started the Jigsaw Health Foundation with the sole purpose of providing financial assistance for mercury amalgam removal.

Is Jigsaw health going to contribute to the “autistic community” in some real way? There are
probably schools in your country that could use funding assistance and many families who need in-home education services or other assistance. There are probably autistic adults who need living or employment support services. There might even be valuable autism reasearch somewhere over there. Wouldn’t that contribution be more valid than removing peoples fillings?

As I say, I like the Sullivan’s (even though it states in my ‘evil neurodiverse’ contract I shouldn’t) but I found this glib explanation of Buttar’s skin cream and the follow up targeted sales-speak a little much.

46th Skeptics’ Circle – On a mission from God

26 Oct

Its always the same. I volunteer to do something because its a worthy cause or I really like the thing in question – or both – and then I put it off and put it off and end up scrabbling about at the last minute to sort it out.

So, when I volunteered to host this Skeptics Circle three months in advance I knew that this time I wouldn’t need to put it off again and again as this time I had plenty of time to get organised.

Unfortunately, the bit of my brain that reassures me there’s plenty of time is broken and thats why with less than 30 minutes to go I’m scrabbling about getting the bloody thing organised. Getting a spectacular venue at such short notice is tricky. I do have a few contacts though. Which was good. Skeptics’ would be arriving in about 20minutes time demanding in their evidenced-based ways to be plushly seated and fed.

“Hi, Colnel Jack O’Neil please….look I know it exists….oh for…look, just tell him that Kev rang…yeah, I want to use the conference room for a meeting. What? Promoted? Well…OK…is Daniel Jackson there? Smart arse…not as funny as he thinks. No? Shit. OK…what? Teal’c? Big guy, funny looking. Big on hats. Oh forget it.”

Next try.

“Satan? No? Whoops, sorry Gabriel…wrong fast dial number…hahahaha!”

Try again. Press right key this time.

“Lord of Darkness? Heeeeyyy…how’s it going big guy? Yeah, aside from hot…..oh really? Well if it says a thousand years and you signed it I don’t see how you can moan about it feller. Hey, I’m just saying! Look, shut up a minute – you know that favour you owe me?…..Yes you bloody do!….no *you* look – if it wasn’t for me that Bryan Adams record would still be No.1….look, look, stop it….all I want is the big conference room….what? No the one on the Ninth Circle…..whaddya mean ‘booked’? By who? Oh yeah? Well, you tell Tom Cruise from me that….that….hello? Hello? Bugger!”

This was getting slightly annoying.

“Hey Doc! It’s Kev….Leitch. Kev leitch. Kevin Leitch. I was your assistant just before Billy Pip…uh, I mean Rose. Well, thanks! Nice to know I made an impression! How come you don’t remember me? I was the guy who broke the uppy-downy thing in the Tardis engine room. Yeah…ever get it fixed? Well, thats good…uh…listen, I know I kind of wrecked your only viable mode of transport but I was hoping for a favour…? Just one room for a few hours for me and a few pals….what? No no no, nothing like that….well maybe some beer….whaddya mean ‘how big’? It’s a bloody Tardis! Small outside, massive inside…..look, just for an hour and no beer…well thanks for nothing! I always preferred The Master anyway!”

Dammit.

“Hi…Is that The Others? It is? Cool. Can you just kill Charlie? Yeah, the guy from the Lord of the Rings. Yeah, thats it. Bye”

OK, so I get a little sidetracked sometimes. Back to it…and there was only one thing for it…

“Gabriel? Gabe! Hi! yeah, sorry about before….yeah I spoke to him….he’s fine – well, hot – y’know how it is…..no, no, I guess you don’t…erm…listen I need a favour. No from you, not the big guy. No, no, I’ve got nothing against him….yeah, the beard’s a bit much…look, look, listen – I need a conference room. No, no catering Gabe. I haven’t got the touch the big guy has – two loaves and a couple of fish don’t go very bloody far for me. I dunno….Burger King maybe. Oh for…yes, yes, there’s only one King…Jes- I mean, Chri- I mean for goodness sake, he’s really touchy for an all powerful being isn’t he? Ok, no bloody Burger King….I can? Nice one Gabe! Just a couple of hours. Eh?….for the Skeptics Circle…..hello? Hello? Gabe!? Damnation!”

Re-dial.

“Gabe? Don’t put the phone down! Whats wrong with the septic circle? Hmmm? No, no, *septic* circle. What? ‘Skeptic’? Ha! No way – those guys are losers. No, this is the Septic Circle. We discuss, uh, Septic tanks and the latest news regarding all things, er, septic…wounds…umm. Treatment? Oh, umm, laying on of hands mostly…..No – wait! Prayer, I mean! So – can I have the big conference room? Cheers Gabe you always were my favourite!”

Bloody hell. A skeptics circle in heaven. For a minute I thought the paradox might make my head implode or some such thing but then I remembered to just believe in the power of dreams or whatever and everything was fine.

Next problem – how do you get yourself and several skeptical people into Heaven?

Luckily, we have Google these days so I searched for it.

According to this guy what you needed was:

If you ask most people this question, they will say something like, “If you do more good things than bad things, God will probably let you into heaven.” The above thinking will reserve your place in hell. You need FAITH IN THE BLOOD OF JESUS.

Hell was no good – Tom Cruise had booked the only conference room big enough, the short-arse git. So all I needed was to persuade a bunch of Skeptics to have faith in the blood of Jesus. Should be pretty straightforward.

This was getting silly.

Then I remembered that ‘clapping’ song:

Three, six, nine, The goose drank wine, The monkey chewed tobacco on the street car line. The line broke, the monkey got choked And they all went to heaven in a little row boat.

Frankly, I was dubious. What the hell is a ‘street car line’? And ‘choking a monkey’ sounded suspiciously like something my Grandmother told me would make me go blind. I thought it best to stick to the blood of Jesus thing. A _little_ row boat would never hold *all* the skeptics anyway.

Decision made, I was calm and sanguine when the doorbell rang. I could see the shape of a phalanx of Skeptics through the net curtains and hear the sardonic patter of sarcasm as it echoed down the cul-de-sac I lived in. Game on.

“Welcome all,” I gushed, “come in, take a seat, just a few short words from me and we’ll be off to our scheduled meeting point.”

The phalanx trooped in – I spotted a few familiar faces (Diva, Skeptico, DoC and the sharpshooter eyes of Orac met mine for a minute) and a few people I didn’t know who offered a polite introduction as they came in…Dr Charles, Runolfr, Paul….skeptics’ so hardened and long serving that a permanent air of critical irony came off them like a deeply sarcastic mist.

“OK, everyone in? Good. So, a bit of a change of pace this time….I’ve arranged for us to meet in Heaven.”

Silence. And then Orac asked: “You want us to hold a Skeptics’ Circle in a place that – lets be honest – doesn’t exactly lend itself to critical thinking.”

I nodded. “And to get there, according to some guy on a website, all we need to do is all believe in the blood of Jesus.”

“Seriously?” Said a Skeptic near the back.

I nodded again. “Easy, right?”

Someone laughed nervously (and yet logically). Orac closed his eyes and rubbed his brow. “OK, what do we need to do?”

With a confidence I really didn’t feel, I explained that if each of us expressed our carefully examined and well researched opinion that there was such a thing as the blood of Jesus then we would all be instantly transported to the opulence of the conference room in Heaven I booked with Gabriel awhile before.

“Seriously?” Said all the Skeptics.

“Well, yeah….”

Orac muttered a fairly appalling word and then said, “Right, OK, lets give it a go.” He cleared his throat nervously. “All together…..”

It was one of the greatest moments of my life. Persuading a bunch of Skeptics’ to affirm their belief in the blood of Jesus in order to attend a conference in Heaven. Admittedly, they didn’t look very happy about it, but it worked. Skeptics’ in Heaven. Marvellous.

Once the assembled Skeptics’ had recovered from the shock of being in a place they didn’t believe existed (I explained that Chaos Theory would probably throw up a new type of science at some unspecified point in time called Paradox Theory in which events like this would be commonplace) we settled down to business.

Dr Charles stood up (after he’d finished poking the table with unbelieving pencil prods to establish it was really there) and told the assembled Skeptics’ about the evils of chain letters and how one chain letter in particular had affected his practice in terms of some of his patients feeling the chain letter in question was an excellent diagnostic tool for ovarian cancer. We were off to a good start.

Next, Lord Runolfr told the assembled ranks of Skeptics about how Reiki was not actually ‘spiritually guided life force energy’ at all – an announcement that caused a rumble of appreciation to echo around the room. As an encore, Lord Runolfr explained to everyone just how bad science was abused in Hollywood.

The brilliance of a thousand tiara’s announced the proclamations of Autism Diva. She explained to the assembled ranks that for some institutions, ‘distinguished’ seemed to be a relative term, including people who think Gaia is suffering and that’s why we have autism, or that autism is actually demonic possession.

“I actaully wouldn’t use the word ‘demon’ around here if I were you”, I muttered to Diva as she sat down but she simply threw a spare tiara at me.

Dad of Cameron rose and told the assembled skeptics that despite the assembled scientific might of RFK Jr, jouranlist David Kirby and various other liggers – the mercury-in-vaccines-causes-autism hypothesis was still dead as the rate of autism was still rising even after a few years of mercury-free vaccines.

As DoC sat back down, I remembered who was next up. I rose quickly.

“Um, next up is…uh….Hell’s Handmaiden….” I said, ducking in anticipation of a thunderbolt from our host…..nothing….cool.

The Maiden stood and expounded thoroughly on the formula used by the more credulous examples of creationists to be found littering the web. Was it me or was the sky of Heaven darkening outside?….oh dear….how embarrassing it would be if a bunch of creationist-rejecting skeptics were smitten by a thunderbolt from God.

Luckily, Dr David decided to inject a bit of class into proceedings and started to recite a bit of poetry called I.D. On the Stand. Hmmm….maybe Heaven really hadn’t been the best venue for a Skeptics Circle after all….I shifted uncomfortably as Dr David recited:

…Creationism in the schools had died a legal death…And now as Rothschild rose, Gishville IDers held their breath.

I struggled to recall exactly what God had done to non-believers in the Old Testament. I couldn’t remember but it probably involved boiling oil and pointy sticks and squidgy parts of peoples anatomies. Note to self: next time, if you _must_ do this in a religious setting, try Bhuddist Nirvana. They’re a lot less wrathful and vengeful.

I popped a couple of Rennie’s and munched fretfully as Stuart Coleman stood and asked the assembled skeptics if religion benefited society – and just to really get my stomach acid rising, Stuart went on to comment on the need to create ‘ghosts’ from random shapes.

My indigestion eased somewhat as Archy recounted his look at some incredibly lazy science reporting centered around yet another Atlantis theory. Damn you and your poor attempts at fiction Plato! But at least we were moving away from subject matter likely to cause annoyance in our all-knowing host.

Skeptico stood and pointed out the tired old repetitious fallacies that ID proponents wheel out at the vaguest hint of patterns in nature. Veering close to holy criticism I grant you, but Skeptico took pity on my nerves with lots of fascinating references to the SETI project. He then when on to make the Circle laugh by recounting the time a few days ago when we were all bathed in an ultraviolet pulse beam from higher dimensions. An event so earth-shaking that had Skeptico not told me about it, I don’t think I would ever had known it had happened. Certainly the ‘jump-start in manifesting the things we would like to cocreate in our own lives’ must’ve passed me by.

Next up, the guys from Humbug Online told everyone about some of the best Shonky stuff around including bio-available Oxygen and the Magnetic Laundry System, thus establishing that Aussie punters are just as credulous as Yanks and Poms.

Interverbal rose and clearly and concisely decimated the arguments of some ‘autism epidemic’ apologists by expanding on DoC’s earlier points to show that no matter how one attempted to twist the stats, the CDDS is never going to be a good source of data for autism prevalence.

Orac slapped the table to show his appreciation of Interverbal’s clinical smackdown and then went on to tell the assembled skeptics just exactly what the problem with Deepak Chopra was, coining the marvellous phrase ‘Choprawoo’ into the bargain.

Once the Skeptics had all finished giggling at the phrase ‘Choprawoo’ (personally I doubted I’d ever get tired of it), Seth from a Whiskey Before Breakfast staggered unsteadily to his feet and slurred his way through not one, but two pieces on why magical thinking was bad for people and how magical thinking did not equate to skeptical thinking.

And talking of magical thinking, EoR from The Second Sight told everybody that nothing – quite literally _nothing_ – worked like Homeopathy.

Martin from Salto Sobrius rose next and explained how puzzled he was when people said they weren’t religious but were spiritual and how it seemed to him that the word meant nothing and anything….verging on dangerous ground again – didn’t these skeptics know I had high blood pressure? Luckily my chelationist was waiting for me in his custom 15 door limo-cum-consulting rooms-cum-hyperbaric chamber after the Circle meet up was finished so I knew I’d be all right.

P cleared his throat and proceeded to remind the assembled skeptics about the Strawman fallacy and what a first class example of one he’d come across recently whilst attempting to debate a Christian. ‘Thanks, P’ I thought to myself as I popped another brace of Rennie’s.

Bronze Dog also decided to my indigestion by talking about the appeal to ridicule gambit and, much to my horror, directly addressed the idea of ‘God’ as doggerel…..a definite rumble of celestial thunder sounded outside the door and the room briefly shook. This was going pear shaped. Fast. I needed a safe pair of hands…

Tara stood and told the circle about The failure of alternative medicine – a subject I was profoundly interested in _and_ relieved to be talking about.

Tara indicated she’d finished.

I stood up. “That’s it – everyone’s presented. I’ll close by saying that

a) The Next Circle is at Polite Company on November 9th

b) By way of a party favour, I have this modest bit of fun for you all and

c) I have no idea how to get out of Heaven.”

46th Skeptics’ Circle – Last call

25 Oct

The Forty Sixth Skeptics Circle will be here in 24 hours time….last call for blog entries is 25th oct 10pm GMT.

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